Is there a Perfect Shoe?

You know that feeling when you haven’t spoken to a friend in so long, you just can’t find the right time to pick up the phone to make “that” phone call?  You can’t call when you only have 5 minutes because it will take five minutes to rattle off the reasons you haven’t called.  And you don’t even know what the reasons are.  And so much has happened that you don’t know if you should rewind and tell them everything that’s happened or just the most recent events.  And you just feel bad.  Guilty. Out of touch.

It’s how I feel. About this blog. My “friend” the blogosphere.  I keep wanting to write.  I have a scroll of blog posts listed in my head waiting to be written.  Dozens of bloggers I want to come visit and read what THEIR lives consist of.  But it’s been so long.  Too long.  I just found out yesterday that FOUR of my BFFBF’s (Best Friend Forever Blog Friends – a term I just this second coined) are pregnant.  Close to their due dates. Some after worries of not getting pregnant.  Friends who I commiserated with on fertility issues.  They were my inner circle.  I think at one point, I was theirs.  One friend had her baby five weeks ago. And I didn’t know.  And to those who don’t “get” the blog world, that might seem unimportant, a non-event. But to me, it was the Same as these life altering events happening to a real friend.

So here I am. About to “call” my “friend”.  Fingers prone to type a blog post.  I’m sick.  My house is empty. It’s quiet. I have that aforementioned scroll of posts in my head.  Months of drama in my house ripe for writing about.  But I’m stuck.  Because it’s been so long and none of it seems Right to write.


Getting caught up on twitter last night with my friends did make me start thinking about friends.  I’ve written a number of times here that I find it so hard to make Real friends at this point in my life.  I’ve lived here for seven years in May.  And have made lots of friends along the way but very few I’d actually put on my “speed dial”.  In January I woke at midnight with what I believed was appendicitis.  I could barely breathe.  Couldn’t walk.  Needed to go to the ER. And I had No One I could call to come over to stay with my kids so Tim could take me to the hospital. I had to wake them and bring them with us because I had No One.  Shouldn’t we all have Some One?  I want to be that Some One to others.  Recently I’ve made three friends.  Three that yesterday, when I lay in bed with 103 fever I actually felt I could call them to help me.  Take my kids for dinner.  Take my kids for a playdate. I didn’t call them, but maybe I could have.  Maybe I’ve made some progress.

Last night as I lay in bed I thought about a new theory I have about friends.  That they’re like shoes. You can’t expect any of your shoes to be perfect, right?  While some are perfect for one occasion, they’re not for others.  My converse low tops are my shoe friend that I call on when I need comfort.  When I need reliability.  They keep me honest. I have friends Just Like my Converse.  But I wouldn’t necessarily throw those khaki sneaks on for a fun night out.  No, some friends (and shoes) I call for when I need a night Out. A night to forget the serious stuff. A night to get my mind Off my drudgery at home.  My peep toe bootie heels perhaps? My shiny red heels?  I don’t expect any deep conversation while wearing them… but they’ll give me a night to remember.  My gym shoes.  Good for just that.  The gym.  I chat with these friends in the locker room, on the weight machine, beside me on the bike.  I don’t even have their phone numbers, or last names.  But I like seeing them at the gym. They make me smile – at the gym.  And My pink flats with the girlie sequin bows.  Six years I’ve had these shoes. They’re me. They know me as well as I know them. They’re right for day.  Right for night. They’re casual.  They’re fancy. They’re consistent.  Never surprising.  But we fight. Because they hurt me.  The first week of every summer.  They hurt. Like some friends… we’re so close, they can hurt.

My shoes are like friends. My friends are like shoes. And this realization has helped.  No friend can be everything.  I shouldn’t expect to be able to call every friend for every need. When I look at potential new friends I need to keep in mind what this friend could be for me.  And what I could be for them.  Similarly I read some blogs I read for a laugh and some I read for a reality check or beautiful writing.  Few blogs can do it all.  And that’s ok.  We don’t need a one shoe fits all shoe (or friend), do we?  As long as my husband encompasses a whole wardrobe of shoes, I’m ok.

Right now I have an ad out for my Ugg Slipper friend.  The one I CAN call in the middle of the night.   To watch my kids so I don’t have to bring them pajama clad, lovey holding and anxious to the ER.  Any takers?

I wish I could say I’m back.  You’ll be seeing me daily.  That I’ll be visiting you daily.  But I can’t promise that.  I don’t know how some of you find time to work, spend time with your kids and write your amazing blogs.  I can’t seem to do it all.  The time I used to have to blog, I now work.  Luckily I sometimes get to blog FOR work when I’m able to convince a client that they need a blog.  Like here.  And here.

Just know I miss you guys!  And truly think of you often.  Like my flip flops.  I think about wearing them All The Time. But never get to wear them because it’s so freakin cold.  They stare lovingly at me when I open my closet.  (Like I stare lovingly at your names as I open my Reader). And when the time is right to slip them on, oh boy do they make me smile.




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13 responses to “Is there a Perfect Shoe?

  1. Blog friends are like the slippers in the back of your closet that you forget about until winter rolls around again. They’re still there, still happy to see you, and slipping them on feels like going home. Welcome back.

  2. I’ll be your pair of comfy flip-flops any day: always happy to see you! =>

  3. Oh how I get it…you’ve just about summed up my entire social life. And then there are the friends who you really want to be there, but who live too far away to actually be there. (Wink, wink). But the beauty of this place is that we are always here in some form, when you need us and sometimes when you don’t. And we miss you, but we understand-all of us.


  4. I miss you, too! I don’t have an Ugg slipper friend, either, which became immensely clear when I had the vomiting virus from Hades this week and nobody to help with my kids. Makes you feel lonely, no? ((you))

  5. This post is so much “me” – I’ve had so much trouble keeping up with my friends lately, and I feel disconnected from them in depressing ways. Very much like what you said about pregnant (and no longer pregnant!) friends… and I also can’t figure out how to find the time (and energy) to write all the things I want to write on my own blog. The few moments in a week that I have, I am barely awake, and want to spend some quality time with my wife; I don’t think I could even craft a coherent blog post half the time.

    And as for Twitter, I did start to dip my toes back into the stream of the fire hose last week, but it is an intense conversation, and takes a lot of time and attention to stay connected. I’ve been so busy with my work life lately, that I just can’t see how I can afford to give that attention.

    And all of this hurts me; so much. I *want* to be connected to my friends online. They are really my friends – like you stated – friends of various types and good for differing conversations. And I feel I’ve failed THEM for being so absent. And don’t feel like I can fix it/make it up to them.

    But, I know I can. Just dive back in as best as I can. Try to talk to a few people about things that I can easily talk about. Try to get reconnected to a few, and then the rest will be easier.

    Thanks for posting this. It is very true to the feelings I have right now and perhaps it will help me get back into it, just reading about the same plight from someone else, as well as that desire to reconnect.

  6. No Ugg slipper friend down the street from me either, so yeah, I totally hear you on that. You’re right – friends come in all manner of familiarity – but the older we get, the pickier we are about the ones that would fit perfectly into our lives and vice versa.

    Funny thing is, when I was going through a really rough patch a few months ago, the people I turned to weren’t my friends IRL. I turned to blogging buddies and they literally saved my life! So essentially I do have those UGG slippers, but they’re never within reach. Pretty sad 😦

    I miss you Becca! Glad that you’re doing well, and that you’re able to blog as part of your job. How wonderful! That’s what I’m looking for too. Wish me luck?

  7. I admire your priorities. I really do.

    I also believe a support system is one of the essential parts of making a happy Mother. I’m so glad you’ve made some good ones.

    Hope you guys are well. Hi to Tim!


  8. Just wanted to stop by and give you a hug. {hug}

    Miss you in bloggy-land and twitter-land, but it sounds like you have your priorities straight. That’s the important part. Bloggy friends will be here when you get back, slippers in hand.

  9. Big hug and lots of understanding. Wish I was closer. I’d hope on over and hang with the kids. 🙂

  10. Thanks so much for writing this post Becca. I’ve lived in my new city for two years and your writing about friendships really spoke to me. All friends can’t be everything, everytime – important reminder. Hope to see more of your posts – of course, whenever you are ready to write them.

  11. We are here, when you need, for what you need us…You are right. No one can fill every need, but it is nice to have a variety. I totally understand about not having someone to call…It’s hard to stand on your own.

    I know how much you have struggled with this in the past, but I am so glad you are making progress. Thanks for your words, for your wonderful analogy. I SO needed it today.

    ((hugs)) and hope that you are on the mend…

  12. I have only one friend that is all of my shoes. She is my middle of the night Ugg friend and my flashy pretty sillettos girl. She is my best friend and I have only one. She is honestly the main reason I have not moved out of RI! I have other friends that fall into many shoe categories, so I completely understand. It is hard when you don’t have the Ugg friend. I think I tend to be that for people. I would do a middle of the nighter for any of my friends, but that’s just the kind of shoe I am. 🙂

  13. Liz

    Hi Becca…I admit I have missed your posts and our connections….but I SO get it, because I took quite a break for a while of posting and reading and commenting, and even after getting back into it recently, I now find myself again struggling to find the time and energy and motivation to be here regularly. I, too, don’t know how people do it daily or every other day and still maintain a “real life,” especially if you work full time. I think for me, honestly, it’s often about SLEEP! I swear, when it’s 9:00 at night and I finally have time to blog, I am so tired I end up going to sleep! (So pathetic). But more importantly….I LOVE your shoe metaphor! It is so perfect (and one I can so relate to) and I so wish I had thought of it myself! 😉 I have had some “issues” myself with friends over the last year or so…some realizations I’ve had about my expectations of people and my choices in friends. The idea that every friend does not have to be every thing to me was a huge epiphany not too long ago. You put it soooo eloquently. And PS….if I leaved nearby, I’d totally apply for the UGG job.

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