Angry

What do you do when you’re so angry but you have no where to place that anger.  No one to scream at.  No one to truly vent to. No one who can make you feel better?  Instead, you have to put on a happy face. You have to be “strong”. You have to act “fine”.  Even when you are everything but “fine”. And what if the person you’re angry at is not someone who you can reach out to. Not someone with whom you can “use your words”. No, instead it’s an unreachable entity.  Who honestly wouldn’t care what you had to say anyway. And the reason for your anger?  It’s because the one person, who means more to you than anyone else in the world has been wronged.  And there’s Nothing You Can Do.

This is where I am.

My body is aching with anger. Frustration. Sadness.

I’m sorry I can’t get into detail on this, but it’s Tim who has been wronged.  A person who has Never in the time I’ve known him wronged a soul.  I look at his face and I don’t recognize him.  The man I married, full of the Sillies, jumping to make me laugh at every turn, looks empty. Hollow.

And I’m helpless.  Yes, I can help him with my support.  Support in knowing that “things will work out”.  I can help him with my love. My arms wrapped around him.  My smile when he wears a frown.

But I’m not even sure that’s what he wants.  I don’t know what he wants.  I don’t know what I’d want.  I’m not sure of anything anymore.  Because I never believed that someone who always does right, could get something so undeserved.  My optimistic outlook has become cynical. A place I never thought I’d be.

I want to lash out. Scream at the top of my lungs. Stomp my feet. Beat my hands on the ground.  But I guess that won’t do anyone any good.  Not me. Not him. So instead, I’ll stand tall.  Be there.  Be here.  Be honest that I’m shaken up. On edge. Not MYself, even though this didn’t happen to Me.

Although in a way it did.  Happen to me. Because my world is shaken by his world shaking.  So we’ll tremble together on this shaky ground until our footing is found. And then again, we’ll celebrate together. And I’ll breathe again.

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19 Comments

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19 responses to “Angry

  1. I’m hoping that getting the anger off your chest helped to ground you a bit. I know that it usually helps me. And having someone to tremble with, well that helps, too.

  2. Becca, I am so sorry! We went through something like that last year; my awesome, happy hubs had something completely wrong happen to him. And watching someone you love hurt and agonize is almost–if not– worse than going through it yourself. Thinking of you guys.

  3. I’m so sorry to read this. I’m not sure there is anything more unfair than a bad thing being done to a really good person. And I can understand everything you are feeling. You’ll get through it together. The tough times always bring my hubby and me closer together.

  4. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. My mom used to say, “You can hurt me but stay away from mine”. When it happens to you, it is different. You can confront who wrongs you, but when it is happening to someone you love you feel helpless.I hope you guys get through this soon. Hugs!

  5. I get this so strongly it makes me tear up. Our feet are only now, nearly two years later, on solid ground and I sometimes forget that I am no longer shaking. It took me longer to see this then I wish, but those wrongs, those earthquakes we went through, they made my husband stronger, better, more amazing, more open to true happiness.
    I am so sorry. Your being there is powerful.

  6. LZ

    oh no. I’m so sorry…I hope that, whatever it is, it is fixable and you’ll both come out better for it…

  7. I sooo get this, Becca. All too well, unfortunately. My husband went through some really rough experiences and it affected our whole family. It put him in a major depression, too. But I went into “protector” mode, trying to shield our son from the sadness, my husband from my own disapointment, and the whole world from our grief. It was hard. Really hard. But we got through it. Together. We are now stronger than we’ve ever been. I truly hope that you and Tim can work through this and find some light at the end of the tunnel. Hugs to you!

  8. Oh Becca. So so hard. I can’t imagine what it is. But I hope that just venting here has helped. For me, sometimes it is literally just letting it all out. Sometimes over and over. I’m here for you my friend, however I can help.

  9. Janelle

    Awful, awful, awful. I had a similar experience in early August but it was my son who was wronged, not my husband. I have NEVER been so angry in my life and I not a very angry person! I am still angry but time does heal and although I think I will always be mad about the situation, today is not nearly as bad as the day it happened. It will get better!

  10. There are few things worse than feeling helpless. Hang in there and I hope the waters calm down soon.

  11. So sorry to hear this story, Becca. I know how hard it is to see a child suffering; this must feel similarly – to watch someone we love so unconditionally in pain and to not be able to help. I hope things improve – and soon. xo

  12. I’m so sorry Becca! When I get like this I go running or for a super long walk. It helps sort out things in my mind.

    Something else that helps me cope is to do something fun, just for a little while, to help remind me of the good in life. When a friend died, hubby and I ran through the sprinkler, just to shock our systems. It helped. For a little while.

    Hang in there.

  13. Becca, I understand. We have been going through something similar for the past few months and I am irate. But, as you say, we must stand tall and support. And wait. And pray and hope. And then celebrate.

    Thinking of you both. Holding you both in light.

  14. Honestly and truthfully I am right there with you. Only it’s my Mom that’s been wronged. And I can’t blog about it…and I don’t know what to do with my anger. Email me if you’d like and we can be mad together!

  15. I hope it helped to write about your anger. I once wrote about my anger and it came back to bite me in the ass. Of course, I was far less eloquent about it. (((hugs))) for you and your sweet, who surely deserve better.

  16. The seething, swallowed anger is the worst. I hope that the situation turns around and Tim is able to come out on top. But even if it doesn’t, he’s lucky to have such a strong, brave partner to help him get through this rocky time.

  17. Becca, I was right where you are now some time in the summer. The same thing happened to us, and it mostly happened to My Guy but I was so angry I didn’t know what to do. It took us days to recover from the venom and another few days to find our breath again. But it will pass, and whoever who wronged him, will eventually have to pay for their sins in their own way, their own time. And until that time comes, the best thing you can do is just to heal yourselves.

  18. Becca,

    So sorry this is happening to you and your family. When something like this happens and it overtakes your life, it is hard to breathe. But you both have each other and that will help the tremors pass.

  19. I’m sorry that you and your family are in such a spot. I hope everything works out.
    I can understand how you feel. My hubbs went through something so unfair and so ridiculing a few years ago. Its happened more than once. I was so very angry and scared and unsure of everything and had nothing I could do to make it better but be there. Time and love can heal so much.

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