What do you do when you’re so angry but you have no where to place that anger. No one to scream at. No one to truly vent to. No one who can make you feel better? Instead, you have to put on a happy face. You have to be “strong”. You have to act “fine”. Even when you are everything but “fine”. And what if the person you’re angry at is not someone who you can reach out to. Not someone with whom you can “use your words”. No, instead it’s an unreachable entity. Who honestly wouldn’t care what you had to say anyway. And the reason for your anger? It’s because the one person, who means more to you than anyone else in the world has been wronged. And there’s Nothing You Can Do.
This is where I am.
My body is aching with anger. Frustration. Sadness.
I’m sorry I can’t get into detail on this, but it’s Tim who has been wronged. A person who has Never in the time I’ve known him wronged a soul. I look at his face and I don’t recognize him. The man I married, full of the Sillies, jumping to make me laugh at every turn, looks empty. Hollow.
And I’m helpless. Yes, I can help him with my support. Support in knowing that “things will work out”. I can help him with my love. My arms wrapped around him. My smile when he wears a frown.
But I’m not even sure that’s what he wants. I don’t know what he wants. I don’t know what I’d want. I’m not sure of anything anymore. Because I never believed that someone who always does right, could get something so undeserved. My optimistic outlook has become cynical. A place I never thought I’d be.
I want to lash out. Scream at the top of my lungs. Stomp my feet. Beat my hands on the ground. But I guess that won’t do anyone any good. Not me. Not him. So instead, I’ll stand tall. Be there. Be here. Be honest that I’m shaken up. On edge. Not MYself, even though this didn’t happen to Me.
Although in a way it did. Happen to me. Because my world is shaken by his world shaking. So we’ll tremble together on this shaky ground until our footing is found. And then again, we’ll celebrate together. And I’ll breathe again.