It’s taken me a long time. But I think I’ve finally figured out Who I Am. It’s not necessarily a finished product. There are still things I’d like to do, and to achieve, and to become. But if someone was to ask me to describe myself, I could.
The obvious mom, wife, friend, and daughter tick right off my tongue. But the ones that take deeper introspection, are the things that define Me. I’m a thinker. A ponderer. A wonderer. I’m quick to like people, even when they don’t deserve to be liked. I’m an optimist and believe people are naturally good and that things happen for a reason. I get my feelings hurt easily. I love to laugh. I love to make people laugh. And I actually do think I can be funny. The outdoors energizes me. The sky truly amazes me with its vast blueness, its dancing clouds and its awe inspiring starry nights. I’d prefer a hug over a kiss. I’d choose holding hands in silence than dancing in a crowded noisy bar. I’m curious and ask endless questions. I like to understand. But I’m embarrassed to admit when I don’t. I seek to be liked. And am hurt and sad when I feel I’m not. I’m self deprecating and know I’m not perfect. I don’t actually want to be perfect. I like to learn along the way. I detest feeling lonely. But I love to be alone. I’m kind. And am bitter when others aren’t kind to me. But I don’t trust when someone is too kind. I care how I look. Too much at times. Because I preach that it doesn’t matter. I like for everyone to get along. And take great steps, sometimes when I shouldn’t, to ensure that they do. I know I’m smart. But I’m often afraid to state my opinion on many subjects for fear that I sound ignorant. I love to take the lead. But don’t necessarily like being a leader.
This is who I am.
My 20 year high school reunion is tomorrow night. And it’s got me thinking about who I WAS. And that, I am not so clear on. I know who I WANTED to be. How I THINK people viewed me. But I’m pretty sure that my view was warped. Or maybe not. I’m sadly no longer in close contact with my best high school friends so I haven’t had a conversation about who we Were. I don’t remember if I was funny. Or outgoing. Or interested. Or interesting. Warm? Sympathetic? Smart? Passionate? A follower? A leader? Optimitstic? Naive? Who was I?
I’m pretty certain I fit in. But too often felt like I was on the outside. I was smart. But never achieved quite what my friends did. I look back and see I was pretty. But never felt I was. Or maybe just never felt noticed by who I wanted to be noticed by. Maybe because I wore insecurity on my face more often than makeup. I was athletic. And achieved a lot on the field. And on the court. But couldn’t help looking over at the cheerleaders with envy.
Or maybe, once again, I’m overthinking. And who I Am is who I Was. Maybe I’ll walk into that room tomorrow night and realize who I Was made me who I Am. Or maybe I’ll see that yes, I was different, and still am. And that will work for me too.
Regardless, I can’t wait. To be Me. To see everyone. And who they’ve become.
How did THAT happen?