Who I Was

It’s taken me a long time.  But I think I’ve finally figured out Who I Am.  It’s not necessarily a finished product.  There are still things I’d like to do, and to achieve, and to become. But if someone was to ask me to describe myself,  I could.

The obvious mom, wife, friend, and daughter tick right off my tongue.  But the ones that take deeper introspection, are the things that define Me.  I’m a thinker.  A ponderer.  A wonderer.  I’m quick to like people, even when they don’t deserve to be liked.  I’m an optimist and believe people are naturally good and that things happen for a reason.  I get my feelings hurt easily.  I love to laugh. I love to make people laugh.  And I actually do think I can be funny.  The outdoors energizes me.  The sky truly amazes me with its vast blueness, its dancing clouds and its awe inspiring starry nights.  I’d prefer a hug over a kiss. I’d choose holding hands in silence than dancing in a crowded noisy bar. I’m curious and ask endless questions.  I like to understand. But I’m embarrassed to admit when I don’t.  I seek to be liked. And am hurt and sad when I feel I’m not.  I’m self deprecating and know I’m not perfect.  I don’t actually want to be perfect.  I like to learn along the way.  I detest feeling lonely. But I love to be alone.  I’m kind. And am bitter when others aren’t kind to me.  But I don’t trust when someone is too kind.  I care how I look.  Too much at times. Because I preach that it doesn’t matter.  I like for everyone to get along. And take great steps, sometimes when I shouldn’t, to ensure that they do.  I know I’m smart. But I’m often afraid to state my opinion on many subjects for fear that I sound ignorant.  I love to take the lead.  But don’t necessarily like being a leader.

This is who I am.

My 20 year high school reunion is tomorrow night.  And it’s got me thinking about who I WAS.  And that, I am not so clear on.  I know who I WANTED to be.  How I THINK people viewed me.  But I’m pretty sure that my view was warped.  Or maybe not.  I’m sadly no longer in close contact with my best high school friends so I haven’t had a conversation about who we Were.  I don’t remember if I was funny.  Or outgoing. Or interested. Or interesting.  Warm?  Sympathetic?  Smart?  Passionate?  A follower?  A leader?  Optimitstic?  Naive? Who was I?

I’m pretty certain I fit in. But too often felt like I was on the outside.  I was smart.  But never achieved quite what my friends did.  I look back and see I was pretty. But never felt I was.  Or maybe just never felt noticed by who I wanted to be noticed by. Maybe because I wore insecurity on my face more often than makeup.  I was athletic.  And achieved a lot on the field. And on the court.  But couldn’t help looking over at the cheerleaders with envy.

Or maybe, once again, I’m overthinking.  And who I Am is who I Was.  Maybe I’ll walk into that room tomorrow night and realize who I Was made me who I Am.  Or maybe I’ll see that yes, I was different, and still am.  And that will work for me too.

Regardless, I can’t wait.  To be Me. To see everyone. And who they’ve become.

Twenty Years.

How did THAT happen?



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13 responses to “Who I Was

  1. I hope you enjoy your reunion. My 15th is this November and I won’t be going. It’s too soon to have any perspective. My 20th might feel different. I can’t wait to hear what revelations you walk away with.

  2. Liz

    Oh, please follow up with how it went!
    I can say that who I was certainly made me who I am. But who i was in high school was the girl who envied the cheerleaders AND the jock-ettes…I would very happily forget high school if i could and have not returned (nor plan to) for any reunions. With that said…your post struck me, because on my dresser is a little note I wrote to myself recently, quite spontaneously, and it says: “Somehow, I became the girl I wanted to be.”

  3. Have fun tonight. It’s always amazing to see how much everyone has (or ha not) changed.

  4. You too? My twenty year reunion is this coming summer. I mainly go out of curiosity, to see how other people turned out. But I totally understand about wondering WHO you are when you are so clearly labeled as so many people, by so many people.

    Really, in many ways, I am still that girl. And in countless others, I am nothing like that girl. I think I like the woman much more than that insecure girl who fumbled her way through.

    Please, let us know how it went. Hope you have a great time!!

  5. I sometimes miss the person I was in high school. I had energy, ambition and I was self-assured. I thought I had life all figured out. Does that mean it was easy? Definitely not. But those traits would certainly contribute to my self worth today.

    I hope you have a great time Becca! To me, you every bit that person you described, even though we’ve only known each other a short time, you make a difference in my life. Have fun!!

  6. I really enjoyed this post, Becca. It made me think a lot about the relationship between older versions of ourselves and who we see ourselves as today. And, after almost a year of reading your blog, I felt like this post was kind of like a summary of so many of the things I’ve learned about you – what a treat.

    I hope you had a great time last night!

  7. Hope you had a wonderful time last night.

    Reunions often call on you to reflect on who you were and what you have become. I am looking forward to reading your perspectives on what you learned about your old and new self.

  8. A fascinating idea: “am” vs. “was”. What I find most compelling about this is that you know with great certainty who you are now, but are less certain about the You of 20 years ago. It may be frustrating that the past has become fuzzy with time. But if I had to choose I’d much prefer to know who I am than who I was. Clearly, you’ve learned a lot about yourself in 20 years.

    How did the reunion go???

  9. One of the cool things about reunions (and things like Facebook, for that matter) is that it frees people of the ‘typecasting’ of who they once were. Whenever I think of an old friend or peer from those days and automatically think of them a certain way, I remember how I don’t want to be pigeon-holed as my high school self, so I can’t do that to them, either. We all evolve, and it’s very interesting to mark the changes in each of us, isn’t it?

  10. I can’t wait to find out how it went… my 10 year high school reunion came and went and I didn’t go. Not a whole lot of people did. I miss high school days sometimes. I wonder, too, how different I was back then? What has changed in all these years? Am I more sure of myself now? You are a wonderful person, and it’s great how well you know yourself. I hope you had a great time.

  11. So how did the reunion go? I’m so behind on my reading, but glad I caught this. I love this summary of you – I can see pretty much all that you’ve said here from the posts you’ve written and I also found myself nodding to most of these, thinking, ME TOOOOOOOO….

    Age brings us the certainty and confidence that we struggled to gain in our youth and while it’s nice to look young and feel more carefree, I wouldn’t trade places with my younger self for the world. Even if it’s to right the wrongs of my past because truthfully every one of my steps (and missteps) led me to this life, and I just can’t imagine being any happier than this.

    And I see that you are too. It’s a wonderful feeling isn’t it?

  12. Such a great place you’re in. The maturity to know who you are with years left to perfect you. I could have written almost exactly the same post, I like so many of the thing you describe but I’m just enough different to know I am me. AND for the record *i like you* (at least the online you 😉

  13. Pingback: It doesn’t really matter who I Was « Drama For Mama

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