Going through the Motions

I hadn’t even noticed

That I seemed sad.

Low.

Cranky.

But he did.

“What’s wrong?”

“What’s bothering you?”

Nothing.

Nothing is the matter.

Nothing is wrong.

Although nothing seems quite right.

Just tired.

Off.

On the verge of tears.

For no reason.

Or a reason I can’t find.

Ever feel

Like you’re just going through

The Motions?

Getting through the days.

Not sad.

But not happy.

Feeling the weight

Of the world.

Of Everything.

On your shoulders.

Weak shoulders

Tired of carrying so much.

The schedules.

The timing.

The health.

The decisions.

The worries.

All of it.

Weighing you down.

All day looking at your watch

For when the next Thing

Needs to be done.

Meals.

Naps.

Activities.

Waiting for something to crash

On top of you.

Walking on eggshells.

Through Witching hours.

Off days.

Overtired mornings.

Knowing things should be different.

But not knowing how to change them.

Ever get

Feelings hurt

By friends?

Or who you thought were friends.

Or who you want to be your friend.

But knowing

You’re just being sensitive.

Not everyone can be just

Like you.

Ever Feel like you got

Your hopes up?

And then they’re shattered

When you never

Even had the right

To get them up so high?

Disappointment.

That could have been avoided.

Ever Feel

Like you need a break?

Even though you have breaks.

But your breaks are spent

Looking at your watch

For when your break will be over.

Your Me time

Is usually spent accomplishing things.

For the Us and not Me.

Ever go to sleep

So tired.

So spent.

So dreading

More of the same

Tomorrow.

And the next day.

Can’t find a smile.

Even for him.

The one who notices.

The one who deserves

A happy wife.

A happy mom.

Guilty.

For not being happier.

For not giving more.

Even though I give so much.

But then…

It’s a new day.

And there’s this.

And This.

And This.

And I think

I need to do this.

I can do this.

Because although I feel like

It’s just going through the motions.

They

Need these motions

They are lost without these motions

So I’ll put

My Emotions at bay

Find the Color

Amid the shades of gray

And be mom.

Wife.

Friend.

And hope that That day

Was just a Day

Not the norm.

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18 Comments

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18 responses to “Going through the Motions

  1. Eva

    Oh my. I can’t tell you how much I relate to this – and I don’t even have children yet! This is life, isn’t it? Sometimes just going through the motions that need to be done. But there is a reason we do it, a reason we do whatever it takes, for those we love.

  2. Why do I have moments that add up to days when I cannot get past feeling as though it’s pointless. Why is it hard for me to believe that the motions have worth. Thank you for sharing that they do.

  3. My dear, dear friend. I’m sending as much cheer as I can muster, all wrapped up in a big hug. I only wish it could be a shoulder for you in real life. It will be soon!

    I know these days well. Live them often. They are so hard, because they are so vague. A sense of melancholy, so hard to shake. We hold the weight of so much as moms. Sometimes the men just don’t understand. And I agree, a break is a break but never a real break. It’s just so darn hard.

  4. I empathize with you. The daily grind can start to feel like more of a chore than it should be. Sometimes I wonder what all of the hard work is for. Get up, get everyone ready, go to work, pick them all up, cook, bedtime, clean. Repeat. It can get discouraging, but just keep looking at the rays of sunlight that make the whole grind worth while.

    Oh, and we will all make sure none of us is checking a watch during our “me time” next weekend. Well, that is unless we have to know what time to go to another party!!

  5. I know those days! I have them less often though when I accept strength from above. They sneak up on you though when you’re least expecting.

  6. Wow. I feel every word of that post. I relate to it totally. Some days I just feeling like crying and don’t even know exactly why. And I REALLY hear you about friends and disapointments (I just wrote about it). Sometimes life just feels so HARD and so monotonous. But you’re right – our children need these motions. They need us. We have to find the strength for their sake. Hugs to you, Becca. I hope you “find the Color amid the shades of gray” really soon.

  7. Oh my, so beautifully put. I am trying to overcome the grouchies here. It is so easy to feel overwhelmed in the ocean of our lives, not to enjoy the waves as they come. And yes, these motions, these constant repetitive chores are more important, more necessary then we often think. Maybe we’ll both see a little more blue in the sky today, a little more gold in the sunshine.

  8. So eloquent and so true. We have all had many of the moments you have described. It’s knowing that on the other end of sadness, there is also happiness. Hang in there and sending you hugs.

  9. Oh don’t I know those days – sorry you’re going through it. Happens to me more than I like, but what can ya do right? Other than look to our child/ren sometimes for the sunshine we need (IF they’re in the mood for it anyway). Hope this funk lifts for you soon. Hey, at least you have BlogHer to look forward to next week. How wonderful would that be?

    And possibly just what the doctor ordered! 🙂

  10. Oh Becca…
    I’ve been there this week. Lots. Maybe it’s all the to do’s before next weeks excitement? I don’t know.
    But I do know that I can’t wait to give you a great big hug next week!!!

  11. This is so me this week. I keep thinking over and over tonight, I’m so tired of taking care of everyone else. When will someone take care of ME? I’m so tired, so worn down. I just need to sleep. And read. And do nothing else.

    Even if it’s just for 5 minutes.

  12. ((you)) I can relate. Boy, can I. Especially the part about waiting for the next task, the next thing to be asked of you. Sucks the life right out of you if you think about it too much.

    But that smiling, diaper-clad popsicle eater? !!!

  13. What a beautiful blog. I hope you post more.

  14. Yes. To every word. Want to share a popsicle??

  15. Your Trainer at BlueStreak

    If you worked out more and wailed on your deltoids under my supervision, your shoulders wouldn’t feel so weak.
    Now drop and give me 20!

  16. Oh my god. I almost didn’t read this because I am so behind on all of my blog reading (again – this keeps happening). I almost missed it in my haste to clear the reader and email inbox. 🙂 So glad I didn’t miss it.

    I believe you must have spent the past week in my head, because this post sums up my emotions lately.

    Thank you. Beautifully done.

  17. drama's mama

    Thirty years older and you captured my feelings exactly today. Sorry to let on that “that’s life”. Happily those days are not every day.

  18. Love this! We have all had these days and I really like the way you wrote this with the pics seperating the moods. Brilliant! xo

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