I was in a wedding. A bridesmaid I think. Although I didn’t know the bride. She was gorgeous, long flowing hair. The type of gown you dream of having for a fairytale wedding. The audience was faceless. Rows upon rows of personalities, chatting, laughing, joyous personalities without faces. I don’t recall what I was wearing, although I did take a tremendous amount of time getting ready. Doing my hair. Doing my makeup with various brushes that all seemed unfamiliar and awkward in my hands. And when I went to take a final look in the mirror, my front tooth felt loose in my mouth. And when I pushed it with my tongue, it fell painlessly and effortlessly into my hand.
I lost my front tooth. Minutes before walking down an aisle lined with hundreds of people.
I felt panicked. Horrified. Out of control with anxiety. I rushed into the crowd waiting for the bride to serenely walk down the aisle and began desperately asking all of the elderly if they had any Dentucream to loan me so that I could stick my tooth back into the space. Hannah was trailing behind me asking me over and over and over what Dentucream is and why I needed it and why my tooth fell out and why I looked so strange. Everyone just stared at me as I pleaded with them for help, barely opening my mouth so that they wouldn’t see the gaping space. No one understood me and no one cared to help because they didn’t know me.
And worst of all, I kept dropping my tooth that I held in my hand. It kept rolling onto the floor. Under chairs. Under people’s feet. And every time I picked it up it was dirtier and more jagged looking that before.
I finally stuck it into my purse and tried covering my face with my hair and putting more and more lipstick on to detract from the obvious abnormality on my face. But nothing worked. I was crying. Looking for someone to help me. Tell me I looked fine. That it didn’t matter.
And then I woke up.
This was how I started my day today. And I can’t shake it. I keep feeling my front teeth with my tongue and making sure they are secure in their spots. I keep wondering why I had this dream. I used to have dreams about ALL of my teeth falling out one by one throughout a day but this is my first dream about ONE tooth falling out. It seems as if it must be symbolic of something.
And then it just hit me. BlogHer. This big conference where I will have met two people in person. One I met since starting my blog, because of my blog and one I met years ago with NO connection to my blog (she just happened to work with my husband and now writes an amazing blog!). And I think deep down, or subconsciously, I’m worried. Worried that all of these “faceless” friends that I’ll be meeting will see something glaringly wrong with me in person even though we currently have these special relationships through our computer screens.
Does that make me sound super insecure?
I’m not really. But I can’t help wondering what these first meetings will be like. Have we already formed our first impressions through our words? Through our thoughts? Or will we be going through the first impression process all over again by how we act, how we talk, and how we look? Will people be surprised to see that I use my hands a lot when I talk? Will they notice and be turned off by the fact that I use a tremendous amount of sarcasm when I get nervous or when there’s an awkward silence? Will they take my being quiet when I’m in these new situations as being rude or snobby?
I know I’ll be searching each room I enter for a familiar face. And most likely, I wont’ find one. You might be there, but I won’t know. I know I’ll be trying to disguise my insecurities with other characteristics that I’m more confident in. I’ll be smiling at strangers, hoping for a smile in return. I’ll laugh at jokes that aren’t so funny, to feel a part of the crowd. I’ll be awkward handing out my newly designed business cards wondering if the person even cares to take one.
But I’m hopeful. Hopeful that all that’s led up to next weekend will NOT disappoint. That I’ll find my place. That you will all live up to what I’ve created you to be in my mind. And that I will live up to what you hope I am as well.
Because although I don’t really have a missing front tooth… I do have other faults that you may or may not see. And I hope you’ll be ok with that.
To prepare you (on a lighter note) here are a list of what I hope you’ll oversee. And love me for in the end.
– I have horribly ugly feet. One of my feet has a bunion that is just the worst. Yet, I love cute shoes and sandals so I have a bit of a dilemma. If my ugly foot shows through my shoes, you may see me covering that foot with my other foot, leaving me a bit off balance. Makes for some swaying when I stand in one place.
– I have one of those voices that seems to stop as it comes out of my mouth making it hard to hear me. So just lean closer.
– I get squeaky when I drink. Which just makes the above point even worse. So just lean even closer.
– I have a really bad back ,so sitting in one place for a prolonged period of time is super uncomfortable. So I shift around a lot in my seat. I don’t have to pee. I don’t have hemorrhoids, my back is just angry with me.
– I have IBS which is aggravated when I get anxious and nervous. So if in the middle of a conversation, I have to run to the bathroom, there you go. If you don’t know what IBS is, lucky you.
– I have very dry hands. To the point that without even realizing it, I keep them balled in fists for fear that you’ll notice. Not that you’re checking out the palms of my hands or that you’d even notice the dryness, but I just feel more comfortable that way.
– As I mentioned above, I’m at my most sarcastic when there’s an awkward silence. So if I make an inappropriate comment, most likely it’s my off sense of humor and please excuse me.
– I’m a lightweight. One drink, and I’m pretty much done. But I can hang out for a LONG time on that one drink and then I don’t get quite as squeaky so it’s better for everyone.
OK, I feel better now.
I can’t wait to meet so many of you… and if you won’t be at BlogHer, by the time I DO get to meet you, I’ll have all of my teeth and you’ll only see the good parts of me.
Does anyone have a REAL explanation or translation of my dream? A missing tooth dream? Do tell!