I cried

Just today I have cleaned up 63 small Matchbox, HotWheels and other assorted cars 4 times. Back into the case only to be overturned moments later.  I also have moved the kitchen chairs from the laundry room and family room 3 times. The chair was in the laundry room because Hannah was trying to reach the bag of My Little Pet Shops that I hid on the top shelf because of her poor behavior. She reached them but they spilled all over the floor.  Pieces everywhere.  77 pieces.  I counted.

The dishes are once again overflowing in the kitchen sink.

Pajamas are in the downstairs bathroom along with soup bowls and plastic spoons from the kitchen.

Pieces of ripped paper and broken crayons are sprayed around the family room floor.  Two of the crayons are half chewed and soggy from the dog deciding they were lunch.

I just stepped on a wooden stamp that pierced my big toe.  There’s a thermometer on the kitchen counter from taking both kids temperature with hopes that they are finally healthy after too many weeks of who-knows-what sickness.

I left the house earlier with both kids in tow to return two movies to the library.  I hadn’t known movies are only allowed out for four days so they were both 4 days late.  $2.00 that I didn’t need to spend and a sad daughter that the late charges were on HER new card.

I left the library with a screaming son because he wanted to participate in a mommy and me song class that we are not signed up for.  I wasn’t able to explain to a two year old what “not signed up for means”. I also left the library with a complaining five year old that she was STARVING so I spontaneously decided on MacDonalds across the street.  Hannah didn’t get the toy she wanted in her Happy Meal and stomped her feet in anger.  Luke wanted to drive his Happy Meal car on the table next to us occupied by a homeless man.  Hannah wanted to know what was wrong with the Homeless man.  Why was he sleeping on the bench?  She wouldn’t take, “I’m not sure” for an answer.

My starving five year old didn’t want to eat her lunch.  She wasn’t hungry for “that”. “Sometimes when you’re hungry mommy, you don’t know what your hungry for until you’re eating it and realize it wasn’t for THAT.”

We left in a huff.  Only to find the meter maid writing me a ticket for my car parked five minutes too long.  My pleading got me no where.  The bright orange ticket was already printed.

I put both kids in their car seats, wiped their runny, mucousy noses and buckled them safely.

And then I cried.  In front of both kids, hands over my face.  I cried tears of exhaustion. Tears of desperation.  Real, Sobbing tears.

“Mommy, what’s wrong?  Mommy, tell me what’s wrong so I can help you.” said Hannah from the back seat reaching her hand toward me.

“I’m just tired Hannah.  Just tired.”

“So mommy, let’s just go home and rest.  I’ll read you a story, and you can rest.”

Rest.  How I wish I could just rest.  Without messes.  Without fights.  Without sickness.  Without worry.  Just rest.

I wish it could be so easy.  I wish Something could be so easy.

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71 Comments

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71 responses to “I cried

  1. Oh becca… days, months, like that are the worst. Its so hard to break out of the “hard” cycle. Hope today gets a little easier.

  2. I’m sorry, sweet Mama. I’ve been there, more times than I can count. I hope some really good things happen for you that bring you moments of joy. Life is HARD. We’re with ya, lady.

  3. Oh no! I saw your tweet earlier and noticed you were having a rough day, I just didn’t realize how rough! Shoot, lady, I am here for you. Hit me up anytime to chat!

  4. Followed a link here from Heather.

    I know hearing this doesn’t make it any better but I’ve been there more times than I can count. I’ve written nearly identical posts in my head many times and decided not to publish them for whatever reason.

    It’s hard spending all day with little ones that don’t understand Mama’s needs. And it’s hard when we don’t understand their needs too.

    My 5yo girl also gets concerned when I cry and offers to make it all better. If only they could get to that point before the tears come.

    • Thank you so much for coming by RP. Your words DEFINITELY made me feel better – just knowing I’m not alone helps. It was just an overwhelming, frustrating day that I know we all have but it put me right over the edge today!

  5. So sorry, mama. Those days (that seem to be more normal than not) are the worst! Hope it gets better soon. Either that, or duct tape them to their beds for the afternoon… that’s okay to do, right?

    (((hugs)))

    • I actually strapped them to the roof of the car… that way I can’t hear them and they won’t get overheated in the car. I haven’t heard any sirens yet so I think I’m in the clear! 🙂

      Thank you so much punkinmama… your words made me smile which I needed!

  6. Awww bless ya! What a day…and what a few weeks you’ve been having.

    Well done for being human – dealing with it all – and letting it out as God intended – with a few tears. Sadly too many parents take it out on their children!! – so well done too for being a fantastic Mother!

    I don’t have children – so I can only take my hat off to you.

    Alan x

    There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year’s course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word ‘happy’ would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. (Carl Jung)

    • Houdini, your words definitely warmed my heart. Some days I sure don’t feel like a fantastic mom, just an overwhelmed one so it’s nice to hear an unbiased view like yours!

      And Carl Jung’s quote… perfect.

      Thank you for coming by again…

  7. If every day were good, we wouldn’t be thankful for them, right? I jest, it’s not what you need to hear right now. I will tell you – we’ve all been there. I have 2 little boys. Granted, I’m not with them full time (I work out of the home) but I do have days where it seems like they are underfoot, in my ears and constantly ON me. It’s not easy!! And sometimes I cry, sometimes I yell, sometimes I run away to the bathroom and cry and yell.
    Thing is? Those boys love me. Unconditionally. And when I’m done crying and yelling, I look at their little faces and remember that I’m happy to have them. Even if they leave their granola crumbs under my pillow 😉
    Here’s to a better tomorrow!

    • You’re actually so right MommaKiss. I wouldn’t appreciate my good days if they were ALL good. I DO need to hear that – it’s very true.

      And yes, my kids do love me. Love me when I laugh and love me when I cry which gets me through to the next day even on awful days like this.

      Next time I’m locking myself in the bathroom – that’s a great idea.

      thank you so much for coming by. I appreciate your kind words.

  8. Nicki

    Becca! I do wish I were closer. I would come watch the kids play. You could just go outside and walk or go to the store or just disappear.

  9. Hi…came over following a tweet from Heather. Does it help knowing that I, too, had that day? Just this morning?

    I’m glad you cried. And I’m glad you wrote. Hang in there.

    • Yes Denise, it does help to know you were in my shoes this morning. It helps to know ANYONE can relate.
      Thank you so much for coming by – your words definitely helped.

  10. Sounds like the perfect day to give it all up and just go lay in the bed with a kid on either side. The house will get cleaned (and promptly dirtied), the fines will be paid, and the stomachs will get filled. Be gentle with yourself and let today be a heart-health day.

    • Yes, I would like to throw my arms up in surrender. Just give up on trying to make anything “work” today. Sigh. I just turned on the TV so everyone is finally sitting quietly and I can try to forget the earlier part of the day.

      Thank you Kelly – I so appreciate your kind words.

  11. I have been there, I have SO been there, complete with kids strapped in their car seats (so they can’t move!) and me hugging my steering wheel as I bawled my eyes out. I have even been known to put myself in time-out so that I can collect myself before completely losing it. Hang in there, this too shall pass.

    • Oh I’m so glad to hear I’m not alone Lisa. You have no idea. I hate crying in front of my kids but the tears and sobbing just came. Putting myself in time out is a great idea too… I’ll try that next time.

      Thank you so much for coming by – you definitely helped!

  12. LZ

    Ugggh. Sorry to hear that. Those days are just the worst…It seems the days you want to rest and relax the most are the days you can do it the least.

  13. I’m wishing for you a day that will start new this minute, a new day that will feel better.

    • Aww… thank you Lisa. Tomorrow will DEFINITELY feel better than today. I’m sure of it. Thank you for coming by and brightening my day!

  14. Some days tears will come. I love that your little one wants to read to you so you can rest. It’s a dear thing. And I know there is nothing simple about leaving the mess for a while, but some days you need to come first.
    I hope you catch a break. Even if it means you’ll have more in the sink for later.

    • My girl sure CAN be sweet… especially when mommy is crying (apparently!). And you’re right – some days the mess must be left for later (or for the husband!).

      Thank you Kate.

  15. I cried today too.
    Tears earlier today, and tears now.
    You get it.
    You understand.
    Somedays are just worth the tears.

    Today was.
    And now I sit on the couch, computer in my lap… My boys are fighting bedtime with tears and tantrums. I’m trying my hardest to let them just be in their rooms, trying not to get angry.
    But I want to rest, too. I want and need a quiet house. No silly cartoons, no silly songs, no news shows, just quiet.

    I want to listen to the hum of the dishwasher, and prop my feet on the coffee table to keep them safe from the millions of megablocks, and hotwheels, and stuffed animals on the floor around me.

    My kitchen chairs aren’t under the table either.

    I get it.
    I understand.

    • Oh Sidnie, you truly have been a bright spot in my miserable day. Thank you. My husband comes home after a day like today and he just doesn’t understand. He tries, but he doesn’t. But to hear these words that you do understand. To see that you’re going through it too. That so many people are going through it too – saves my day. And gives me hope for tomorrow.

      Thank you from my heart.

  16. Becca,

    This too shall pass.

    This simple phrase has helped see me through my toughest moments, and while it may not work for everyone, I’m hoping it would help you. Even just a little. Sending good wishes your way as well.

    • Yes Justine, it does help me. Because it is so true. This will not last. Tomorrow it will be a better, new day and I’ll look back on today and wonder how I could have thought it was THAT bad in the first place.

      Thank you so much. xo

  17. Becca.
    I know.
    All of it.
    Over and over again.
    Love you.
    xo
    S

    • I know Sarah. I know you get it. Thank you.

      And thank god I already wrote my happiness post yesterday or I’m not sure I’d find the energy to write anything anywhere near happiness!

      xxx

  18. I’ve been there. One of the sayings I seem to say quite often is “not everything has to be a fight”. Because some days, a lot of days, seem to be a fight from beginning to end. I hope tomorrow is better.

    • Thank you C. I wish it didn’t seem like everything was a fight. I don’t understand why I can’t ever hear, “ok mommy”. Instead of “why?” or “that’s not fair” and the list goes on. I just can’t keep fighting…

      But tomorrow will be better. I know that for sure!

      Thank you so much.

  19. Sue Campbell

    I feel ya, mama. We ALL feel ya.

  20. Sometimes, it just sucks being the mom! I think we’ve all had days like this…I feel for you. On the bright-side, someday, in the not too distant future, probably not as far-off as it now seems, all those little pink and purple and plastic pieces will be put away for good. If you’re anything like me, you’ll forget the mess, the sore toes from stepping on them, and all that packaging that had to be opened just to get them out of the gosh-darn box!…and remember these days with nostalgia, and a smile 🙂

    • And I have to keep telling myself of this TKIAM. That before I know it, I’ll be looking back and only wishing my kids were this age tripping me up. Thank you for reminding me… it helps more than you know. xo

  21. Heather of the EO tweeted your post so I came by…and I want to hug you.

    This sounds really hard. I can’t be sure because I’ve never ever ever ever had a day like that before. Because I’m perfect. My children don’t even cry. They came out of the womb smiling and laughing.

    And this comment is dripping with sarcasm. We ALL feel you!! Hang in there Mama!

    • Thanks Kat. And you know what’s weird is that this is the FIRST time my kids have EVER been difficult. EVER. They usually sit quietly, hands folded in their laps, smiling sweetly. They really are quite perfect too. Must be something in the air today. 😉

      I needed your sarcastic comment to make me smile. Thank you and thank you for coming by.

      xx

  22. yep. we’re here because we totally understand. sorry that your day is today. hope you find some comfort in us all saying that we’ve been there…we’re not trying to minimize your words. it’s hard.
    i really hope that you find peace and joy and rhythm soon. it will come back.

    [so thankful you shared.]

    • Thank you so much. I don’t feel like anyone is minimizing my words… misery loves comfort you know! 🙂
      I’m sure tomorrow will be a new and better day. Especially after all of these amazing comments! Thanks for coming by.

  23. Big hugs mama. You’re a great mom. We’ve all been there. Thank you for sharing. Prayers from the trenches.

    • Thank you so much kathy. Sometimes I feel like a shit awful mom and just fall apart. Today was one of those days but I’m feeling better already with all of these wonderful, touching comments – thank you!

  24. Unlike the others here, I haven’t been there yet. My 1st child isn’t due until August.

    But your words, they give me comfort. They don’t scare me of the days to come, because you’re making it, and the other women here? They’re making it. And so, THANK YOU, for being brave and sharing your struggles because now I know that I can make it too.

    Thank you.

    • Aww… Mrs. Cline, I’m so glad I didn’t scare you away from mommyhood! But you’re right, it’s just part of being a mom. And the good days WAY outweigh the bad ones. And the bad days, make me appreciate the good ones so much more.

      You will make it. We all do. And it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me (even on these crappy days).

      Best of luck and THANK YOU for visiting!

  25. Ugh. I only have one at home and I feel like I’m disintegrating sometimes. Thanks for sharing so that we know we’re not alone.

    • We’re all in this together. With one child or 10 children… we all have good days and BAD days. I had these days with just one as well…

      Thank you for coming by and making me feel more normal!

      And I love your blog name!

  26. Sending you oodles of hugs! You’re a beautiful mom with beautiful kids, and the love flowing between the three of you is greater than any of the chaos.

    Bright Blessings,

    Trenda

    • Thank you Trenda. And you’re right, the love does outweigh the chaos. But today, I did have a hard time finding the love! but tomorrow is a new day. A brighter day. One that I will appreciate after today.

      Thank you so much for coming by.

  27. Ugh! Days like this are horrible, and I just wanted to chime in with everyone to say you are definitely not alone!
    I’ve had my share of good, hard cries right there in the driver’s seat. Usually I lock myself in the bathroom though. It just gets so overwhelming sometimes. STRESS!! Take care.

    • I haven’t locked myself in the bathroom yet. I’d be afraid of what might happen outside the bathroom door if I did! Maybe I should give it a shot though!

      I’m so glad to read all of these comments that make me feel so NOT alone. I needed all of this. So thank you for your comment… and making me feel so much better.

  28. The days when you have to cry in front of people often feel the worst. I hate them (the days, not the people). But after it’s over, I also feel a little relieved that I’m not hiding how hard it feels anymore.

    I’m sorry things are rough.

    • Yeah, it was a rough day but it’s over now and I’m sitting here with my glass of wine and my husband and looking forward to a new day tomorrow!

  29. Oh Becca, I’m crying with you right now because I know just how you feel. I felt it in the pit of my stomach with every crappy thing that happened. I’ve been there too many times to count and to be quite honest I have no idea how to make it better. I know I’ll be there again and again. And like you I’ll just cry. Sometimes motherhood, LIFE just plain sucks. My therapist told me, it’s okay to say that, THIS SUCKS.

    Thinking of you, really wishing I was there to sweep you away and pamper the heck out of you, starting with something decadent from Starbucks. Let’s try to do that someday (soon?).

    • Christine you are so sweet. So so sweet. Thank you for this. I wish I allowed myself to just say, “This Sucks” more often. I get overwhelmed with guilt when I go there though. Like I shouldn’t say that because this is what I WANT (this family life, that is). But you’re right, we’re entitled to feel this way. And I need to be better at rolling with it.

      I wish you were here too to share an evening of coffee and chats. We will do it soon. In August if not before then!

      xx

  30. Wow, you know I have been there but… …… It’s been years. Reading your post, I would of cried too.

    Please hang in there things do get better. I promise.

    • Thanks soccermom. I’m sure things do get better. And worse. And better again. I’ll just roll with it, like we all do!

      Thanks for coming by!

  31. ck

    Oh, I’m so sorry. This read like an adult version of Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

    I’ve had so many of these days…and then I get to the end and they’re finally asleep and I look around the house and for the life of me can’t remember why on earth I couldn’t bring myself to straighten up. And I leave the mess for the next day. And often the next.

    I hope tomorrow is a much better day for you, filled with happy children, nice weather and impromptu playdates (at someone else’s house).

    • Exactly CK! That is exactly what my day was like! I think I must have been channeling Alexander in this post. And now that I think about it, maybe I should move to Australia.

      I straightened the house up after the kids went to sleep and am hoping it can stay that way at least until breakfast. Doubtful.

      Thank you for coming by and your sweet comment. I could use a playdate tomorrow… with a friend of MINE, not my kids!

  32. Oh, I loathe those days and wish you a far better tomorrow full of good moods, cooperation, full meters, easier questions, quieter excitement.
    Sometimes, a good cry helps me stand up a little straighter (and sometimes it makes me want to take a nap.). And my boy is old enough now to notice and try to console me, as your gal did. It isn’t rest, and it isn’t that easy – but it’s at least a little sweetness on a bitter day.

    • Thanks sylvanstyle. Thank you for your sweet wishes for tomorrow and I’m certain it will be a better day! It has to be! And the cry? It would have been better had I been alone since my kids didn’t quite know what to make of it, but it was necessary and just had to happen!

      And those sweet words from my daughter… definitely brightened my spirits. At least for the moment, until we got home and she threw her brother on his head by accident. sigh…

      Thank you so much for coming by and your sweet comment.

  33. I sat here nodding with every line of this post as I read it. You could very easily have been writing about my life here. I guess that’s just the cold, hard truth of life with small children in tow. But, for what it’s worth, you’re not alone, and we all cry sometimes. Hope tomorrow’s a better (or at least slightly more sane!) day.

    • Thank you Jenn. And you’re right, it’s just par for the course. But some days, maybe when I’m extra tired or extra emotional, it just hits harder. And today, it hit really hard… but the tears helped and all of these comments – REALLY helped. Thank you for coming by!

  34. becca,

    I know exactly what you went through today. I have felt like that for over a week….and everyone I have encountered today has had the need to let me know how tired I look.

    Just know that you are not alone. My house looks like the remanents of a tornado. I cannot bear to look at all the laundry that needs to be put away.

    And you know what, I don’t care. I want to do what I want, not what needs to be done.

    Hugs to you, becca! I know that things will start to look up tomorrow morning, and after a cry and the generosity of your children showed you today, you will be on the mend!

  35. I’m sorry. We’ve all had days like that. But in the big scheme of things at the end of the day everyone was safe and healthy, right? Tomorrow will be better and so will the next day. 🙂

  36. I’ve been there! The monotony of it all is exhausting. The whining children are exhausting. Sending you restful thoughts!!

  37. That certainly was an exhausting day. The longer kids are cooped up, sick and laying on the couch or full of energy during bad weather, the crazier they act. I hope you did find the rest that you need(ed).

  38. I’m tired just reading this.

    You still might be able to fight the ticket, though. But that might not be worth the exhausting battle.

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