I will now go out and Live

I just hung up the phone with my dad.  I hung up having just said to him, “Now, go out and Live Life.  Go out and look at the world with new eyes and Live.”  He probably thought I was being overly mushy.  A little over the top.  I wasn’t trying to be either of those things.  I was speaking from my fast beating heart.

You see, for the past two weeks we’ve all been waiting and waiting for his biopsy, and the results of the biopsy that would tell him if he had cancer.  I have trouble even writing the word.  It’s a word I hear far too often recently, and have always prayed would not inflict my family.  It’s a word that many of you know I fear daily will inflict me.

I found out two weeks ago from my mom that this was all happening.  I would have assumed  that I would crumble with the thought of the worst case scenario.  But instead, I felt my body kick into “Be Strong” gear.  I realized I needed to be there to lend strength to my mom.  Push positive vibes to my dad.  For once, my mind didn’t go to worst case scenario (I knew HIS mind was doing that on its own… yes, I inherited the hypochondriac/I must be dying gene from my dad), instead it went to taking baby steps.  Taking one day at a time.  Dealing with the present.

My biggest problem is that I wear my emotions on my sleeve.  If something is bothering me, anyone who knows me, senses it immediately.  I’m quiet.  Removed.  Maybe, um, bitchy.  But I didn’t want anyone outside my family to know any of what was going on, so I had to force a smile onto my face and swat my worries to the back of my mind.  I had to continue life as normal with my kids.  I had to continue showing joy and playfulness.  I couldn’t let my tension be obvious to them.

To the world, I was strong. Optimistic.  Hopeful.  I actually prayed, something I am not known to do as I am not quite sure who I’m praying to.  I wished upon stars.  Promised to live life differently if only things would turn out ok.  Inside, I was in knots.  I woke up each morning imagining how my dad must feel. Anxious.  Scared.  Alone.  I wanted to have words to tell him not to worry but there were no words.  And as hard as it is to console your children when they are nervous or sad, I found it that much harder when it was my dad.  Your children trust you.  Know no other way.  Your parents have too much reality in their history to be able to trust with their hearts.

Two weeks of uneasiness.  Two weeks of hiding my emotions.  Two weeks of staying optimistic and hopeful.  And then the phone call came through. I saw my dad’s cell phone number on my caller id and I took a deep breath as I said Hello.  He told me the doctor had called.

“And?” I said quietly.

“He said everything is totally fine.  I’m totally fine.”

“Oh dad.” I gasped feeling every bit of me melting with relief.  “You must feel unbelievable right now.”

“It’s surreal.” he told me, not even sounding excited just worn, and tired.

And that’s when I told him that now he needs to Live.  Because that’s what I’m going to do.  I’m not going to Think so much.  I’m going to enjoy the days.  Because really, you just don’t know how many of them are in front of you.  And if you think too much about what you SHOULD do instead of what you CAN do, they will just pass you by.

I am so relieved.  For him.  For my mom. For me.

And the best part?  I leave for vacation tomorrow when my parents will be watching my kids for 2 of the nights, and I told my dad, “Now I don’t want to hear any complaining about the kids.  Because even if they keep you up ALL night and drive you completely nuts… being tired is much better than what you thought you’d hear from the doctor.”

And he agreed.  And a vacation without the kids AND without guilt is the BEST kind of vacation.

See you in a week!



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25 responses to “I will now go out and Live

  1. Nicki

    Glad everything is okay, Becca. Enjoy your vacation!

  2. What a great way to start your vacation. Go make some beautiful, guilt-free memories with your man.

  3. ShannonL

    That’s awesome! Glad you got the good news before leaving. And good for you for being strong and staying positive – sometimes life just requires that of us, but it’s definitely challenging and not everyone can do it. Enjoy your vacation!

    • Thank you Shannon. I did feel like it was required of me but I’m not always strong like that… I guess something within me was up to the challenge!

  4. So glad it was good news. That’s the best. Definitely warranting mushy, emotional, and loads of happiness. Enjoy your time off!

  5. What wonderful news, and how fortuitously timed! There’s a reason why they call it sweet relief 🙂

  6. I often wonder why it takes the threat of bad news to make me really, truly see the joy in living. I wish I weren’t that way, that I could be joyful just by waking up and taking a deep breath. This post has helped me resolve to try to do that more. I’m so relieved for your family, and I wish you a relaxing vacation!

    • I know, Stacia, I agree. It either takes actual bad news or the threat of it to be the wake up call for me. I have resolved not to live that way though and to appreciate how good I actually have it EVERY day!

  7. I was struck by what you said about trust, how hard it is to trust when you know better. That’s profound, and real. But every once in a while, you just have to trust because it makes us really human and know that whatever happens, happens for a reason. I’m so pleased that this went the right way, the happy way, and that you’ll go away worry free. You deserve the time! I’m excited for you. Have fun!!

    • I know, it’s true Christine. We should all be a little more confident that things Will Be Ok. Even if our gut sometimes tells us otherwise. If for no other reason, it’s easier to get through the days feeling trusting and believing in fate. Thank you!

  8. I’m so happy for you and your parents! What an unbelievable moment of relief. Thank whatever higher powers that were working overtime 😉 Have a wonderful time!!

  9. What wonderful news, Becca! And that strength that you were talking about, that lies within you, each and every day, slowly growing more powerful, so that you can tap into it when you need to!

    Have a wonderful time with Hubby! What a great way to start a getaway!

  10. I was holding my breath, waiting to hear the results. So glad that he’s okay!

    Have a wonderful vacation!

  11. Good news is the best anytime present. Enjoy your vacation!

  12. I’m so relieved for you and your father! Whew!

    I have found the “Be Strong” mode kicks in more and more as my role and my parents’ roles slowly reverse. Remember to take time for yourself and enjoy your vacation!

  13. What fantastic news! I’m so happy for you! And now – go on and enjoy your vacation – you so deserve this… you’ll have a great time, and you’ll be able to relax and breath a huge sigh of relief!

  14. So happy about your dad! Enjoy your vacation–be a little naughty for me! 🙂

  15. Liz

    Becca, I really think you and I would either be really good for each other, or really bad for each other. I’ve told you about my hypochondriac past. I’ve told you I so “get” it. I’m terrified of the “c” word. I can’t even say it. And I am always trying to push the idea of it away, because I think: Surely, it will affect one of mine? Someday? How is THAT a way to live? Live. Now go out and live. I love that. I have days/phases when I do it better than others. Right now, I’m feeling a bit crazy (see my current lunatic-like post). And part of the reason is, like you said, I THINK TOO MUCH. It is exhausting, isn’t it? You and I, we have to Live more. Think less. Worry less. We know that. How do we do that, though? It’s one thing to know it. It’s another to BE it.
    I am soooooooooo very glad for you. I am so very glad for your dad. Your family. I hope that this experience helps you get closer to that place where you want to be within yourself.
    And on a much lighter note, ENJOY your vacation. Enjoy your time with Hubby. Enjoy every second. And thank you for being so honest.

    • Oh yes. There is nothing more exhausting than Overthinking and Worrying. I definitely think Too much and no matter how anyone tries to help me… I still do it. But I’ve discovered it’s up to me and Only me to Live Better. Find my happy. No one else can do it for me and it’s just no way to live. So join me in that, ok? Let’s do it for Us.
      Thank you as always for your kind, sweet, heartfelt comment. I love that you just Get me. It’s so refreshing!

  16. Becca, I’m so happy that this weight has been lifted for you and your family. You are brave to have been so strong for your family. But know that even if the day comes where you can’t summon that strength, we will be here to support you.

    Now, enjoy your living! And your vacation!

  17. This is all kinds of wonderful. I hope that you and Tim are living large and loving life.


  18. I am so relieved for you all. I am right there with you every step of the way. It’s awful to worry. I wish I could LIVE even with scary stuff going on. Hope you have a great week.

  19. I hope you are having a wonderful vacation. This post hits me and haunts me because I was in a similar situation that turned out differently. But the message, both simple and profound, is the one your gleaned from this close-call: Live.

    I am so happy and relieved for you and your family.


    • aidan, I thought of you when I wrote this post and hoped I wasn’t being insensitive writing it. I am always so impressed by your strength having gone through what you did. You certainly Live life to its fullest and I admire you so much for that. Thank you for your kind words. xo

  20. lz

    Those are wise words…especially in the face of fear and potential disaster…We all should go out and live, knowing that someday we will all face similar fears.
    I’m so glad to hear everything is ok!

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