I’ve mentioned before that I wonder. All the time. I always have. It goes along with the part of me that likes to romanticize. The side of me that is constantly curious about things and about people. I remember when I was little, I used to ask my mom if she wondered what I’d be like when I grew up. If she wondered what I’d look like, what I was going to “be” when I grew up, who I’d marry, if I’d have kids. I recall her saying, “No. I don’t think about the future of you very often.” Maybe she was better at living in the moment than I am. I think the fact that I wonder so much is part of the problem when it comes to “being present”.
I wonder about the future of Luke and Hannah. I wonder what it will be like when they don’t nap anymore. I wonder who I will “be” when they are off at school every day. I wonder how they’ll be together. I just wonder.
I always assumed that everyone wonders. But I recently found out, that’s not the case. I was speaking with someone who I’m very close to and found out that he in fact, doesn’t really wonder. He doesn’t think about the things I think about in the future. He “hopes for the best” but doesn’t spend time curious about it. He enjoys his kids Today. He likes to “anticipate” based on how they are today what they may be like, but he doesn’t wonder about it in a “dreamy” way. Am I the only one who thinks that’s interesting? I don’t want to describe it as strange, just interesting.
I kick myself often when I catch myself not being present with my kids. And with the topic so hot on so many of the blogs that I read, I try to note what it is I’m thinking about when I’m not Present. I have found that I AM thinking about my kids but I’m dreaming about Later. I’m spacing out about sitting with my arm around Luke on the couch while he talks to me (about ANYTHING since he doesn’t speak today). I’m imagining sitting on the cold bleachers at the highschool and watching Hannah whip around the field kicking a soccer ball or, (more realistically) sitting in a chilly auditorium watching her on stage in a show. I think about their school experiences, visiting them at sleep away camp, their weddings. I wonder about all of these things while they are playing right there in front of me. I’m missing out on little puppet shows and stick figure drawing as I forge ahead to their older lives. Part of me knows it’s sad, but another part of me has fun with it. And it makes me smile.
So are the people who are NOT wondering, who are not curious and dreaming ahead missing out in a different way? What does it say about my friend who ONLY lives in today? Is he closed minded? Maybe it’s a control thing… the fact that he can’t control the future worries him and he doesn’t like to anticipate disappointment? Maybe it’s a male/female difference. (Here I go again, wondering).
Since there isn’t much left to get all “dreamy” about with myself as I’m already happily married, figured out my “career” (whether I go back to it or not), have my kids, and looks wise, the future changes probably won’t be for the better… I now dream about my kids. It’s a happy place for me. Just as I love pulling out old photo albums to look at my babies when they were really babies, I also love to imagine the pictures that will fill up the empty pages. I like to pencil in what the captions will be on those pictures so later I can see how right (or wrong) I was.
I’m wondering… am I the only one?