Mommy is not an artist

I opened up my laptop this evening excited.  Excited to write a post that is light and easy.  In my transition from Blogger to WordPress I went back and read my last 10 or so posts and honestly, I’m surprise none of you were knocking down my door to be sure I wasn’t drowning myself in my bathtub!  Even my laptop looked worried as I opened it up tonight. If it could talk and had arms and hands I’m pretty sure it would have held it’s two hands out in front of it and said, “No More!  PLEASE! Stop!  I. Can’t. Write. One. More. Word of this Woe Is Me crap!”

I guess I’ve had a lot of heavy stuff on my mind.

But I went to the gym today and I feel lighter.  My head feels lighter.  My body feels lighter.  Everyone “Ohm” with me…

Moving on…

Hannah is newly obsessed with drawing and coloring.  She can sit for hours with colored pencils, crayons, markers and blank paper and “do art”.  Her art varies from abstract connected shapes in a variety of colors to people, animals, rocket ships, rainbows, flowers and birds.  As a terrible artist, I’m pretty impressed with what she draws.  I remember when my niece started drawing and her people NEVER had arms.  We’d ask, “Where are her arms?” and she’d always say, “They’re behind her back.”  There must be some interesting meaning or symbolism there, but I’m not sure what it is.  All of Hannah’s people have a head, hair, eyes, ears, nose, smile, rosy cheeks (all of them MUST have rosy cheeks), two arms, two legs, ten fingers and clothing.  Mustaches, beards, eyebrows and hair accessories are add ons.  Very often she’ll decide what or who the picture is of AFTER she’s done.  If you ask her in the midst of her project what she’s drawing she’ll most likely tell you, “I’m not sure yet.”.  I guess it’s like my blog posts.  I don’t know the title or even the topic, until it’s done.

Today as we were scurrying out the door (and for inquiring minds, Hannah dressed herself in a very nicely matched, quite trendy outfit today thank god.), she said, “Mommy, today while I’m at school I was wondering if you could draw me a picture.”

“Sure, I’d love to.” I said thinking at some point in my day I’d find the time to draw her a bouquet of flowers.  Easy enough. Some petals, some stems, some leaves and a bow around the stems.  Voila. Art.

“I’d like you to draw me a picture of a rainbow that takes place in Unicorn Valley.  You can decide what Unicorn Valley looks like all on your own, but it must have a rainbow in it.”

She was giving me an assignment.  Homework.  With a deadline. What is going on in my world?

“OK, Hannah, I’ll do my best.” I said as I closed the car door behind me shaking my head and trying to imagine what the hell I was going to draw for Unicorn Valley.

Late in the afternoon I was cleaning up her playroom with all of her art supplies and I remembered my project.  It was due in an hour!  I sat down on one of her little chairs with my knees higher than the table and grabbed a piece of blank white paper and some colored pencils.  Unicorn Valley.  I decided to do the rainbow first.  ROYGBIV.  I impressed myself with remembering the colors of the rainbow and drew an arch in each shade on the paper.  Beautiful.  I was hoping she wouldn’t care that I did half an arch not the full half circle type rainbow.  I swept my concern out of my head.  I didn’t have time to care.  Then I sat there thinking about the Unicorn.  And its Valley.  What color is a Unicorn?  What color is its horn?  What other animals would there be?

I chose purple.  She would like a purple Unicorn.  I drew its body and legs and tail.  I chose red for its horn.  I drew a mane.  I recall muttering to myself as I drew, “Does a Unicorn even have a fucking mane?  Whatever, this one will.”  I then hastily added a shining yellow sun (need a sun with a rainbow right?), some grass, some flowers (petals, stems, leaves and all) and some little “m”s for birds.

I sat back to admire my work.  And I started laughing HYSTERICALLY.  I had a ten minute belly laugh all on my own.  Look below.

Can you believe that is the best Unicorn I could draw?  My dad was over late in the day and I showed him and he stifled a laugh until he saw the tears rolling down my face as I cracked up again.  He said, “It looks like some sort of human horse or something.”  I added the words so she knew I really did love her and was taking her assignment seriously.

Part of me hoped Hannah would forget that she had asked me for this drawing.  I didn’t want to disappoint her with my creation.  But of course, the first thing she said as she ran into the house was, “Did you do it mommy?  Did you draw me Unicorn Valley?”

“YUP!  I did!  I really hope you like it!”

She ran into her playroom and came out holding the paper in front of her face and sporting a small smile/smirk.

She stopped when she got to me, still staring down at the drawing.

“So, what do you think?” I asked her.

“What a beautiful rainbow mommy!”(tell me I didn’t do a good job teaching her the art of TACT.)

And then I started to laugh AGAIN.  She looked up at me quizzically.  “Is that not the FUNNIEST looking Unicorn you’ve EVER seen Hannah??”

And I saw a wave of relief sweep over Hannah.  I really think she was worried about hurting my feelings and didn’t know what to say about that human horse thing.  And then she started to laugh.  And laugh. And laugh.

“It’s ok mommy.” she finally said.  “I’m not upset with you that you drew a Unicorn with a “hermendous” nose.  I think it’s cute anyway.”  And she proceeded to hang it up on the fridge with all of her other true masterpieces.

I’m wondering if that will be the last picture she assigns to me.  I kind of hope not.  I could use that kind of laugh more often.



Filed under light and fluffy

22 responses to “Mommy is not an artist

  1. I adore this post. This is what it is all about. The silliness. The laughter. Laughter is pure gold. I hope to get assignments like this in the future.

    Love your new digs. Well done, my friend 🙂

    (Just a suggestion: You might want to put the unicorn with the “hermendous” nose up top as your banner?)

    • gasp!!! You mean, put the unicorn as my title header?? For the world to see what a TRORENDOUS artist i am??? Oh dear. Are you mocking me? Not sure… but I promise to think about it.

  2. Yay for making the move to WordPress! Seems like everyone is doing it… but I’m too scared! Anyway… your unicorn is very funny – but your rainbow is beautiful! Your daughter sounds so sweet. Truth be told, I probably could not draw a unicorn any better then that, either! 🙂

  3. You get an “A” for effort! It’s cute. In its own special way. =)

  4. Nicki

    I love this entry. I love that Hannah feels comfortable giving you an assignment. I love that you actually did it. And, yes, I love your unicorn!

  5. Love your unicorn. Grace went through a phase where I had to draw the outlines of mermaids for her to color in, every single damn day. I’m not very talented, and mermaids were … a challenge!
    I love your new site!

  6. crnnoel

    Your unicorn is perfect 🙂 I love that you can laugh at yourself, that’s the best type of parent, because it teaches them so much!
    For what it’s worth, Fynn had me draw Wall-E from the movie the other day, and even though it was a bunch of squares, it still looked like a bad hack job of ET!

    • I think Wall-E and ET are related, aren’t they? Wall-E is the better looking younger sibling.
      And yes, I’m very good at laughing myself. If I took myself too seriously, I’d be in trouble!

  7. That’s the goofiest fucking unicorn I’ve ever seen!!! I absolutely love it!

    And I love your daughter, complimenting you on the part of the picture you did well. You done good, mom.

    • Goofy! Yes! That’s the perfect word to describe it! Tim told me it looked like Gonzo from the Muppets. My mom said it looked like Grover. Everyone has their nice input… much appreciated of course.

  8. Your art is much better than mine ever could be. I think the colors were vibrant and beautiful, though!

    Your little Hannah is quite a precocious little girl, huh?

  9. Uh, yours is WAAAAY better than mine would have been. I get drawing assignments like guns and bionicles. I’m not sure which of us has the better end of that deal.

    • Guns and bionicles huh? Is that what I have to look forward to with Luke? I vote that I have the better deal… I don’t even know what a bionicle is!

  10. What a precious child 🙂 And I don’t think your drawing was THAT bad…ha ha ha. Okay so you probably shouldn’t take up drawing unicorns as a career but what a wonderful moment that unicorn brought you! I will email you that recipie in a few short minutes. I hope you are doing well! I love the new site…do you like wordpress better than blogger? xo, KA

    • Thank you so much for the recipe! I can’t wait to try it out.
      Have no fear – I will NOT be taking up drawing Unicorns or drawing anything else for that matter, as a career! I’ll stick with just being a mom and giving OUT the assignments instead of taking them!

  11. Oh my god I laughed so hard at this…I am such a terrible representational artist that I have totally given into my inner Moderinist. I close my eyes and draw what a unicorn *feels* like, not what it looks like. So far I’m lucky because Peanut is too young to make things look like they’re supposed to.
    And I’m cultivating the “tell me your story and I’ll write it down” and the glitter and glue art…anything to stay away from “Mommy, can you draw me a pumpkin?” Um, a pumpkin? Like round and orange? Nope. Probably screw it up. Or make it with a hermendous nose.

    • So tell me, what does a Unicorn feel like? I will certainly be coming to you for inspiration with my next assignment. I’m obviously much too literal! I’ve tried steering her toward glue-involved projects but she complains she gets too sticky. And then this makes me wonder if she’s actually my child.

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