Five years ago on January 3, 2005 I woke up like it was any other day.  I remember wandering aimlessly around my office building’s cafeteria peering at the different breakfast stations and finding nothing appealing.  It was the first day back after the Christmas/New Years Holidays and everyone was moving in slow motion.  Not ready for reality.  Not ready for the grind.  I sure wasn’t.  I had one week left in my position before I left for a week of relaxation and then 4 months of maternity leave to care for my first child.  I had a list in my office of what I needed to take my boss through so that my brand’s business wouldn’t completely fall apart in my absence.  I was unmotivated to say the least.  Bursting out of my tight maternity pants, I was ready to put my feet up and mentally prepare myself for what lay ahead.
Prepare myself.  Ha.
At 10:00 that morning I went to the bathroom to pee and almost passed out from the amount of blood that gushed out of me.  And kept gushing out of me.  Unexpected. I stuffed paper towels into my pants and ran to my friend’s office in a panic.  We called my doctor together who urged us to drive immediately to the office. I thought she’d take a look at me, give me a remedy for my bleeding and send me back to work.  Instead she worriedly looked at the ultrasound monitor and told me I’d be having an emergency c-section that day.  Unexpected.
“I can’t do it today.” I told her.  I have to finish my work.  I have a pile of stuff on my desk.”  It was as if she was telling me I needed to shovel a driveway full of snow on a day that I just had too many other things to get done.
“Nope.  Baby is coming out today.  Immediately.”
A mush of thoughts and emotions traveled through my head and my body.  Tim worked in New York City – an hour away.  I didn’t get my week to relax.  This was not the PLAN.  This was UNEXPECTED.
I called Tim from the doctor’s small office as she called the hospital to get me admitted quickly.  He was calm.  Calmer than I felt.  He was on his way.  He was excited.  He was going to be a dad that day.  I was panicked.  This was not the plan.  And I still felt the blood.
The next hour was a blur.  Doctors, nurses, technicians all paraded in and out of my hospital room analyzing the situation, checking me out, checking the baby out.  I was hearing the words, “urgent”, “emergency”, “blood transfusion”, and “danger” all too often.  Unexpected.
Tim was now by my side.  I was being wheeled into the operating room.  Our families were on their way.  I was about to have my child removed from me.  The one that had taken on the name “thumper” for all its incessant knocking on my insides.  All of the planning.  The dreaming.  The wondering.  It was all becoming reality.  Today.  Unexpected.

We heard the words, “It’s. A. Girl.” and I looked up at Tim and told him to check to be sure.  I didn’t believe him.  A Girl.  Unexpected. He confirmed it.  She was in his arms.  Hannah Brynn. They were leaning over me.  That little girl face (why was there so much hair on it?).  She was already sucking her thumb.  Her eyes were open.  She had all the right parts in all the right places.  She was perfect.  Unexpected.

My girl. My five year old girl.  Five years.  I did not know I was going to fall so hard.  Fall in love so hard.  Feel such an attachment.  I didn’t know it was possible for hearts to be so full.  That arms could open so wide.  I didn’t understand what it felt like to melt.  I didn’t believe my world would truly be turned upside down.  I didn’t know I could be so patient.  I didn’t realize comforting someone would bring so much comfort.  In the blink of an eye, I felt like I didn’t “know” anything anymore.  Unexpected.

I didn’t know I’d feel so emotional today.  The day before my baby’s fifth birthday.  Unexpected. I’m grasping for more time.  I’m reaching for the pause button.  I’m franticly trying to slow it all down.  I’m hoping I’ve done it right so far.  I’m wondering if I’ve said what she’s needed to hear so far.  Everything just keeps moving forward so quickly and I’m struggling to keep up.  My baby is five.  My magnetic, passionate, dramatic, nurturing, sweet, expressive, silly little girl is five.  I didn’t know it would come so fast.  I didn’t know I’d be so unprepared.  This feeling is so unexpected.

Dear Hannah,
I love you.  No matter what and always.  I love you.
Happy Birthday.
Actual Birth Day
Three Months Old
First Birthday
Second Birthday
Third Birthday
Fourth Birthday
Just About Five


Filed under birthdays

16 responses to “Unexpected

  1. BlogInSong

    What a gorgeous lucky girl. Its all so intense and unexpected. I am SLOWLY learning to love the unexpected. This helps! THANKS

  2. Shell

    She's a doll!My firstborn(who turned 5 last month) was like that in his birth. I thought I had plenty of time, but he was ready to enter the world.

  3. Nicki

    Becca – this is beautiful! What a tribute to Hannah and to you and Tim!

  4. TKW

    Happy Birthday, beautiful girl! You must have been terrified that day, but I'm so glad everything turned out okay–better than okay, actually!

  5. Lindsey

    Happy birthday – to Hannah and to YOU. I am always emotional on the birthdays. My own baby (my second) is about to turn five – I can't believe it either.I hope you celebrate well!

  6. Kristen

    Happy birthday, Hannah! Congratulations, Becca!What a dramatic, overwhelming, and, yes, unexpected way for your daughter to come into the world. Sort of a nice glimpse at the road of motherhood that was ahead of you, huh?

  7. Corinne

    Happy Birthday to Hannah (and happy day you became a mama to you!!)Loved this post… no matter how much we try to plan, they come in their own time, and do things in their own time… such is parenting 🙂 Enjoy the day!

  8. Ambrosia

    Becca, I think this account of your Hannah's birth is telling of so many life's experiences. Unexpected. Yes. My baby came quite unexpectedly. He was supposed to come via inducement, but he decided to come 2 weeks earlier. (Rude, I tell ya!) It reminded me that of that old adage that I have suddenly forgotten. Something about "the best plans are often broken." Argh. Mommy brain.And, this post? I unexpectedly teared up reading about your little girl's entrance into the world.

  9. Life with Kaishon

    She is the most precious little thing. Oh my goodness. I am stopping over from SITS today and this post totally and completely made my day. Thank you! And happy Birthday to your sweet baby. I love her name!

  10. Tonya

    My oldest turned 5 in October. I'm not sure where the last 5 years went — but I wish they'd slow down. ….. She goes to Kindergarten next year — how did that happen?Hannah is beautiful.Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest — and I'm now following you.


    HAPPY 5TH BIRTHDAY HANNAH!Beautiful pics and tribute!stopping by from SITS

  12. Aidan Donnelley Rowley

    What a lovely way to come back to this great place. Your love for your little girl is plain in these words and the word "unexpected" is absolutely spot on. Everything, every moment, every proverbial twist and turn on this road we call parenthood is in many ways unexpected. But that is also what makes it so raw and invaluable. And that pause button? I long for one too. Toddler turned three on New Year's Day and I simply can't believe it. In so many ways, I want to slow things down, to appreciate the nuances of her – and our – evolution, but in other ways I think the ungraceful speed at which life blurs by at times is what makes it what it is. A very happy birthday to your sweet girl. And a very happy new year to all of you.It's great to be back!

  13. Liz

    Happy Birthday Hannah…future daughter-in-law! What a smile you've got!!!

  14. Kelly @ The Miller Mix

    What an amazing story about an amazing mom and her beautiful daughter. Congratulations on another year!

  15. Theta Mom

    Happy B-day to your sweet baby girl! She is adorable and life's most precious gifts are totally unexpected, no?Thanks so much for stopping by Theta Mom! Glad you did because now I know where to find you. 🙂

  16. Happy Birthday!!!! She’s a keeper. 🙂 Isn’t it crazy when they tell you that you’re having this baby today whether you like it or not? Happened to me twice. On the first & third kids. With the first they stopped it and I was on bed rest for a month and a half. The third time they just let him come a month early. If I go for a fourth I think my uterus would fall right out…

    🙂 They’re worth it though aren’t they? Well, most of the time.

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