Five years ago on January 3, 2005 I woke up like it was any other day. I remember wandering aimlessly around my office building’s cafeteria peering at the different breakfast stations and finding nothing appealing. It was the first day back after the Christmas/New Years Holidays and everyone was moving in slow motion. Not ready for reality. Not ready for the grind. I sure wasn’t. I had one week left in my position before I left for a week of relaxation and then 4 months of maternity leave to care for my first child. I had a list in my office of what I needed to take my boss through so that my brand’s business wouldn’t completely fall apart in my absence. I was unmotivated to say the least. Bursting out of my tight maternity pants, I was ready to put my feet up and mentally prepare myself for what lay ahead.
Prepare myself. Ha.
At 10:00 that morning I went to the bathroom to pee and almost passed out from the amount of blood that gushed out of me. And kept gushing out of me. Unexpected. I stuffed paper towels into my pants and ran to my friend’s office in a panic. We called my doctor together who urged us to drive immediately to the office. I thought she’d take a look at me, give me a remedy for my bleeding and send me back to work. Instead she worriedly looked at the ultrasound monitor and told me I’d be having an emergency c-section that day. Unexpected.
“I can’t do it today.” I told her. I have to finish my work. I have a pile of stuff on my desk.” It was as if she was telling me I needed to shovel a driveway full of snow on a day that I just had too many other things to get done.
“Nope. Baby is coming out today. Immediately.”
A mush of thoughts and emotions traveled through my head and my body. Tim worked in New York City – an hour away. I didn’t get my week to relax. This was not the PLAN. This was UNEXPECTED.
I called Tim from the doctor’s small office as she called the hospital to get me admitted quickly. He was calm. Calmer than I felt. He was on his way. He was excited. He was going to be a dad that day. I was panicked. This was not the plan. And I still felt the blood.
The next hour was a blur. Doctors, nurses, technicians all paraded in and out of my hospital room analyzing the situation, checking me out, checking the baby out. I was hearing the words, “urgent”, “emergency”, “blood transfusion”, and “danger” all too often. Unexpected.
Tim was now by my side. I was being wheeled into the operating room. Our families were on their way. I was about to have my child removed from me. The one that had taken on the name “thumper” for all its incessant knocking on my insides. All of the planning. The dreaming. The wondering. It was all becoming reality. Today. Unexpected.
We heard the words, “It’s. A. Girl.” and I looked up at Tim and told him to check to be sure. I didn’t believe him. A Girl. Unexpected. He confirmed it. She was in his arms. Hannah Brynn. They were leaning over me. That little girl face (why was there so much hair on it?). She was already sucking her thumb. Her eyes were open. She had all the right parts in all the right places. She was perfect. Unexpected.
My girl. My five year old girl. Five years. I did not know I was going to fall so hard. Fall in love so hard. Feel such an attachment. I didn’t know it was possible for hearts to be so full. That arms could open so wide. I didn’t understand what it felt like to melt. I didn’t believe my world would truly be turned upside down. I didn’t know I could be so patient. I didn’t realize comforting someone would bring so much comfort. In the blink of an eye, I felt like I didn’t “know” anything anymore. Unexpected.
I didn’t know I’d feel so emotional today. The day before my baby’s fifth birthday. Unexpected. I’m grasping for more time. I’m reaching for the pause button. I’m franticly trying to slow it all down. I’m hoping I’ve done it right so far. I’m wondering if I’ve said what she’s needed to hear so far. Everything just keeps moving forward so quickly and I’m struggling to keep up. My baby is five. My magnetic, passionate, dramatic, nurturing, sweet, expressive, silly little girl is five. I didn’t know it would come so fast. I didn’t know I’d be so unprepared. This feeling is so unexpected.
I love you. No matter what and always. I love you.
Actual Birth Day
Three Months Old
Just About Five