Here I sit. Feeling Half Hung Over after drinking a few glasses of wine last night trying to get my “game on” for the Half Drunk Challenge brought to us by my friends over at Momalom. I drank my wine and sat with my laptop in my lap, waiting to feel inspired. I reread the amazing, heartfelt, heart warming, difficult, thought provoking, poetic and hysterical posts that others had written. Some brought tears. Some shook me. I had so many words swimming around in my head but had a hard time piecing them together.
I actually wrote two posts but neither worthy of publishing. And then, after 3 hours of sitting, writing, pausing, thinking, writing and deleting, I realized something. This Is Not For Me. I was asked to be “daring”. I was told to reach deep down within myself and pull something out that normally would stay tucked comfortably within me. And I did it. I wrote one post that most of you would raise your eyebrows at, that may have made you uncomfortable but as I finished it, it dawned on me the reason it was so hard to pull out. It wasn’t meant to come out. Yes, I could have published it anonymously on Momalom’s site so I would still be eligible for the contest but the words still would have been written and once it was written… it would have been true. And I was not ready for it to be true.
My other post I meant to be silly. With few drinks in me I thought I could be extra silly but I found that when someone says, “Be Funny!” the funny drains right out of me. I reread my “funny” post when it was done and wow, it was NOT even remotely funny. And it was not me. It was forced and ridiculous.
So here I sit. Wondering why I had such a hard time with this contest. It reminded me of other times in my life. Times when I wanted to “fit in”. I recall going on a business trip and being told the first night that we all had to do karaoke. Everyone was so excited to have a few drinks and impress the higher ups with their karaoke talent or at least their “coolness” in trying without reservation. Everyone that is, except me. There were two ways to succeed at the company I worked at. One was being a brilliant marketer, having gone to a top business school and increasing market share for your brand by double digits (of course). The other was being socially savvy, being a part of the “in crowd”, feeling no reservation in throwing back a few drinks and saddling up to the mic for karaoke. I always felt like an outsider there. I landed a job at a company where they normally wouldn’t look twice at someone who didn’t go to a top 5 business school. I got an interview through a connection and moved up through the ranks (by working my ASS off) as people looked sideways at me wondering how someone from my “not top school” could be so successful. At least that’s how I felt. Every Day. And I never felt comfortable shmoozing with the executives, holding a drink and “being funny”. I can be funny. I can be outgoing. But not when I’m TOLD to. Not when it’s a requirement.
So here I sit. Unable to write something I’m required to write. My words will come out when I feel the urge for them to come out. When it’s in my comfort zone. Apparently, writing about sex is not in my comfort zone (which you’d see if I published one of my posts!). Maybe one day I WILL publish these posts. They are still sitting in draft form. But today. When it’s required that I let you read them to be eligible for a prize… there they will stay. In draft form.
I think many of my thoughts in my head are in draft form. I have a lot to say. To a lot of people. But I don’t know how to say them. I’ve been getting by in draft form. Things come out half planned, often without editing. But the big, important things, I spend a tremendous amount of time editing in my head until they aren’t even accurate anymore. And then they come out, watered down and half true. I’m working on the words I’m comfortable saying. And one day they’ll come out. And you’ll know they’re from me… they won’t be anonymous.
So, I’ll take a “default” on this one. I hope you’ll still allow me in the cool crowd even without participating (although, maybe, I did participate after all?). If nothing else, I have the utmost respect for all of the other entrants into the contest. Amazing, honest, daring words were expressed.
I wonder if you’d all be just as good at karaoke?