My place at my husband’s reunion

Tim’s 20 year high school reunion is this weekend. I kind of have mixed feelings about it for a few reasons. First of all it’s at a place called “The Stumble Inn” on the upper east side of NYC. For any of you locals, it used to be Mo’s Caribbean which was a cheesy-ass just-out-of-college hangout that smelled like a frat house even if you went at lunch time. There were more guys in baseball hats there than at a baseball game or at a “I recently went bald” convention. Not sure what happened but maybe Mo really moved to the Caribbean or decided Caribbean food just wasn’t in high demand on the Upper East Side. So it’s now The Stumble Inn which I hear is not any more impressive than Mo’s. Tim has been bitching about the fact that his 20 year reunion from hoity toity Chappaqua NY is at such a place. He’s even more up in arms about the fact that it is $11o/person for food and drink because he knows the drink will be nothing better than Amstel Light or bottom shelf vodka and the food will be cold wings and nachos sitting in the corner of the stinky bar. You have to drink A LOT of Amstels to make the $110 worth it (and Tim will do all he can do do just that). At least twice a week he complains about the venue wondering why if it’s going to be in NYC why it can’t be in a Chappaqua worthy lounge. He’s tried recruiting some of his friends to raise a stink with the organizers but I guess none of them care quite so much or the organizers were the hot shit in high school and no one wants to go up against them. In any case, nothing has been done and we’ll still be stumbling in to The Stumble Inn (had to fit that in somewhere).

Another reason I’m not 100% on this event is the fact that Tim wasn’t even 100% that he wanted me to go. He used the “it’s expensive” excuse but I read between those not-so-close-together lines and see that there might be more to it. When I asked if he was sure he wanted me to go he actually said, “I want you to go so that people can see that I married someone pretty normal and not so bad looking” (gee thanks) but I’m not sure if anyone else is bringing their spouse.” Huh? It’s a twenty year reunion and 38 year olds aren’t bringing their spouses? All the more reason for me to go, bring it on! I’m not letting him hang out with 200 other spouseless, drunk on cheap alcohol old friends!
Needless to say, I convinced him I should go. “I’ll be my cool-hang-out-with-the-guys self, promise”, I told him. “No, it will be good” he said. “But we need a signal for when it’s time for you to leave” he went on. He quickly decided that a double tap on my forehead with his pointer and middle finger would be the sign. For real. He told me he’s going to poke me in the head when enough people have seen me to know he scored himself a half way decent wife. Excellent.
So here’s the deal. I’m trying to figure out some ways that I can ensure this night will be entertaining for me. He obviously has his own agenda, so I’ll have mine. Here are some options:
– Pretend I also am a Greeley High School class of 1989 graduate and run up to unsuspecting classmates with a huge bear hug and tell them how much I’ve missed them and I’m sorry for all I put them through in high school.
– Corner a male graduate and tell him how much I have missed him since “that time in his car” and not a day has gone by where I haven’t wanted it to happen again. Proceed to smooch him.
– Play the “Vocabulary Mess Game”. If you haven’t played, it’s a riot. There are two versions of the game. The first is using real words totally and completely wrong. Like, “Yes, we’re living in the suburbs, it’s great but totally subliminal.” Or the other way is to make up words to use. Like, “I have a 4 year old daughter, she’s great, a bit dramatic but we’re mesticalled with her”. Either way, I’m sure to get some priceless fake smiles out of it.
– Spend the night going around telling everyone compete lies about Tim. Anything from he decided to become a neurosurgeon after his short stint at NASA, to his 3 years spent in prison for identity theft, to his new found obsession with ballet, to his conversion from Judaism to Mormon (Mormonism?)n.
– I could be really annoying all night and use some obnoxious loud hyena-esque laugh. Or I could be a close talker and lean in real close to everyone I speak to and see how uncomfortable I can make them. Or a loud talker… that could be good too.
Those are my top choices for now. I’m open to other ideas too if anyone has any.
I’m still trying to figure out what I’m going to wear to this shindig. I asked Tim what he likes me to wear and he was only able to come up with what he does NOT want me to wear which then turned into an annoying conversation about why he doesn’t like those things which now I’ll never wear again because who wants to wear something that your husband has just told you he doesn’t like on you? Turns out the sweats under a nightgown with a sweatshirt on top doesn’t do it for him (which is too bad since that was definitely on the short list of what I was planning on wearing). Neither did the multi-colored striped silk wrap shirt I wore to some holiday dinner in 1997. I think I might bring some joke outfit in my suitcase and put it on as we’re getting ready to see what happens. I think I still have the “techni-color dream coat shirt” that Tim specifically mentioned (and called just that).
In the end, I’m looking forward to putting some faces to names, seeing what people REALLY thought of him (I know Barbara, all good), eating some over fried onion rings, and drinking $110 worth of vodka and cranberry. Good Times.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “My place at my husband’s reunion

  1. Anonymous

    holy crap! too funny. i would personally love to witness the close talker or hyena laugh.

  2. Headless Mom

    Dying to hear how it went! I love my reunions and luckily hubby knows a bunch of my friends so we both get to have fun!

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