Prison is sounding good to me today. So I’m sitting here trying to figure out a good way to get myself there. The problem is that I’m not a huge risk taker, don’t like violence, am really bad with confrontation, don’t want to risk harm to my kids and would prefer not adding more kids to my brood so scaling a NYC building, getting in a bar brawl, robbing a bank, leaving my kids home alone and kidnapping are all out of the question. I think I’d have to either pee in public more than 100 times or pee ON a cop to land myself in a cell ,which takes too much time and is pretty nasty. I don’t have very impressive boobs so flashing or streaking won’t work. I’m really running out of ideas here.
You’re wondering why it is that I’d like to be in prison? Easy. I’m having a tough go today. I feel like all I do is argue, make meals, clean up meals, wipe noses, try to prevent spills, accidents, and tumbles, argue some more and then feel bad about arguing. (Yes, there are moments of happiness in there too but today, they are few and far between). Prison actually sounds like an improvement over all of this. I would never have to think about what I’m going to put on in the morning (let alone getting anyone else dressed), I’d have ALL my meals brought to me in a timely manner, I’d have no choice but to rest all day, I’d have an actual BED TIME where I had to go to bed no matter what anyone else says, I assume they don’t allow barking, yippy dogs in prison, I might get screamed at but I could just stay quiet and not feel like I HAD to scream back, I could pee without someone asking me to read a book to them while I peed, and I probably wouldn’t feel quite so bad if I didn’t get to shower every day. Sounds blissful doesn’t it?
So help me out here. What crime can I commit? I only want to land a few days in jail. Not a life sentence or anything. Just a long weekend stay at a minimum security prison. Maybe I could be a Peeping Tom for a few days? I’ve been curious about what goes on in the house across the street. They seem a little sketchy so if I take my binoculars and stand in my front yard and just take a quick look there’d be a good chance of getting caught and I wouldn’t really hurt anyone… thoughts?