Without Words

Shhhh…Quiet.

Do you hear it?  The quiet?  I’m sitting here in my dimly lit office.  Alone.  The kids are asleep.  Tucked in and peaceful.  Hannah’s Ellie under her arm.  Luke’s blanket corner in his mouth.  Rooms are dark.  The hallway is dark.  It’s silent.

I never would have thought ten years ago I’d enjoy the Nothing so much.  No music.  No TV.  No footsteps under, above or around me. No questions.  No comments.  No chit chat.  Nothing.  Only the tapping of the keys and the buzz of the printer break the silence. It’s so calming.  So refreshing.  So rejuvenating.  So delicious.

Don’t get me wrong.  It’s not being alone I crave.  My husband is actually sitting beside me.  He pulled a chair in to this small space to sit with me.  To be with me after being apart all day.  But he knows.  I need the quiet time.  After the evening chaos of dinner time and bedtime.  The routine of shouting to do homework, finish dinner, put toys away, get into bed, turn off lights and Go. To. Sleep. I need this.  This time without any words.  Only “being”.   Time for me.

It’s so rare that I feel I can just BE.  It’s one of the biggest changes I’ve found since becoming a mother.   I recall laying in Central Park in the early 2000′s on many lazy Saturdays.  Newly married.  Happy at work.  Satisfied with how life was going and where it was going. I’d lie with my rollerblades on my feet after a long blade around the park.  My legs were itchy from the grass below me but I soaked in the sun, felt the breeze and listened to the buzz of New York City above me.  Surrounding me.  Energizing me.  Yes,  I had worries.  Life wasn’t simple but it was mine.  I could just be.

Now there are words coming at me from all directions.  From my kids learning how to really USE their words.  Sometimes use them as weapons against me.  Sometimes to test me, push me, question me.  And love me.  Words swim in my head.  Constantly.  At all moments I hear my own words, my husband’s words, my parent’s words, friends’ words.  Pulling at me.  Pushing me.  Challenging me.

I like the quiet.  I like Tim’s hand brushing through my hair.  I like the air kiss he just gave me.  But I love the quiet.

Without words.

This post was a part of Momalom’s 5for5 blog extravaganza.  Today’s prompt was “Words”.  I love Momalom. Go visit.  I promise you’ll love them too.

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10 Comments

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10 responses to “Without Words

  1. I never appreciated silence before motherhood.

    Sitting together quietly seems like the most intense intimacy.

  2. “LIfe wasn’t simple, but it was mine.” Oh yes, how I relate. I see childless young things now and think, you have no idea how blissful your existence is. I only have one but he does.not.stop.talking. Even if he’s not talking to me, he’s talking to his cars or his beloved dog, or narrating what he’s doing. Quiet is such a luxury. Of course, when he goes to bed, after about an hour, I miss his little chipmunk voice. Isn’t that just how it goes? Found you through Momalom, welcome back to writing.

  3. I used to love quiet. Now I DISSOLVE into it. I love so much the times Spouse takes the kids to the grocery store. The only breath here is mine. Nobody’s going to wake, nobody’s going to cry, nobody’s going to scream. No reason to be on edge.
    Quiet: YES. Alone: oh, dear me, I’m weak in the knees.

  4. triciaraisinghumans

    Beautiful post. I know this feeling oh so well. I used to dread the silence and the quiet and now, at the end of every day, I crave it.

  5. Oh this is me. Sooooo me. I crave no words and quiet!!

  6. I get this of course. After the girls are in bed, I don’t even like the music on. I just want pure silence. So exquisite. So rare…

    And I love that Tim was sitting right next to you. What a lovely picture :)

  7. Oh, a little respite from the words: I so understand! I love all the sweet little words, but I love the quiet, too.

    One of my girlfriends always asks what I could possibly be doing at night, up so late after the kids are in bed, and I always think: I’m just… being? Soaking up the nothing-ness? Rejuvenating, so I can dive back into the wordiness again in the morning? That’s it. :)

  8. I love the quiet but in small doses. I sent everyone away for a weekend once and went stir crazy after a single night alone. My life can be utter chaos but I love that it’s my life! This is beautifully put.

  9. momalomjen

    Right this very second it is QUIET. So very rare around here. Just me. And the clicking of my keys on the keyboard and the sound of the dryer downstairs. That’s it. And it’s glorious!

  10. sun4flower

    I love this Becca.. I never got around to reading it during 5 For 5…and let me tell you, I’m a little relieved that I’m not the only one who hasn’t blogged since…;) But you so summed up how I feel almost daily: the words…coming at me, constantly, demanding, asking, calling, begging, arguing….I find that one of my biggest challenges as a mom is that: the noise that is constant. Not in the play-noise they make, but as in the “I need you” in some way noise. Beautifully written.

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