Six Years

She lay with her legs wrapped around my waist.  Her belly pressed against mine.  Head resting on my chest.  Arms dangling around my neck.  I wiped tired tears from her eyes.  We sat on the floor in my basement as I held her.  As I held her the way “only you know how to hold me mommy”.  It’s the way I’ve been holding her for six years.  When she’s fallen and bumped her knee.  Or her ego.  When she’s had her feelings hurt by a friend.  When she’s drained and doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry.  When everyone else seems preoccupied with life not concerning her.  She comes to me.  Wraps her body around me as if she has 12 arms and legs.

Six years.

Today as I held her in this special way I choked down tears realizing it really has been six years since that day.  The day I went to work 9 months pregnant thinking I’d just finish out the week and then have my new first baby.  But surprisingly went to bed that night in the hospital with this new little girl resting on my chest.  A girl.  A dream.  A miracle.

Six years.  So much time.  That feels like so little.  She flew into my life and captured me, engulfed me, so quickly and with such force.  And the years are now flying by.  I try to live the moments with her.  Enjoy the minutes. “Be Present”.  But some days I want to scream that I’m losing my grip.  It’s going to fast.  As if I’m holding onto a rope with a mighty grip but it’s burning the palms of my hands as it pulls me through the days.  The years.

Six years.  My baby.  My big girl.

I was grateful that she still climbed onto me in her tired state tonight.  For a hug.  A place to rest her head. A comfortable spot to (still) suck her thumb.  I told her in that moment that she’ll always be my baby.  Even with her baby brother trailing behind.

Six years.  I hope I have a few more years of those spider hugs ahead of me.  A few more years of her groping for my hand amidst chaos.  Because it’s getting harder.  To handle her growing older.   To realize I need to be a stronger mom.  Not so much a friend. I’m better at the friend thing.

I sit here as I type crying.  Because I realize as I write this that so many of you were right in comments from past posts where I complained of the hardships I had with Hannah as a four year old.  A five year old.  You said, “Enjoy these years.  It only gets harder.”   I didn’t want to believe you.

But.

You were right.  It is getting harder.  I DO miss four year old Hannah already. Her innocence. Her needing only me.  Wanting only me.  Never lashing out at me.  Just appreciating me.

So, yet another resolution.  To ENJOY the minutes this year.  Seek out the special moments of Six.

Six years.  Here’s to it being the best year yet.

And Happy Birthday to my Girl.  My cartwheeling, constantly drawing, book reading, purple loving, Taylor Swift singing, newly skating, fearless sledding, crazy ticklish, amazingly doting, friend seeking, soynut butter and jelly eating, fancy, thoughtful, loving, dramatic, convincing, hand holding, best hugging, Beautiful Big Girl.

 

 

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11 Comments

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11 responses to “Six Years

  1. What a gorgeous post, so real and so emotional. I hate how quickly time passes – my oldest son will be 6 this summer, my baby, turning 3 in a few weeks. How? Where did my babies go? It’s tough and so bittersweet. Happy Birthday to your girl. She’ll always be your baby! And enjoy all the little moments!

  2. I’m stuck at four, having a tough time appreciating the moments. Thanks for this poignant reminder to stop wishing for time to pass, to start slowing down and simply breathing in what is. Happy Birthday to your beautiful girl!

  3. Happy birthday, Hannah! Oh, Becca! Such beautiful words for your baby. It does go by too fast….And while you are screaming and fighting to hold on, you blink and the changes keep coming. Redefining you.

    Hope those spider hugs are around for a long time…Enjoy celebrating this magic of motherhood…

  4. ck

    “But some days I want to scream that I’m losing my grip. It’s going to fast.”

    I feel that way so often. Like I’m losing my grip on myself. On time. On my almost 6YO’s innocence. On her self-confidence too, as she comes home from school crushed over something.

    But those hugs are soothing. Probably more so for parents.

    Thank you for sharing this, Becca.

    Happy 6th to both Hannah, and to you.

  5. becca – so well written. thank you! makes me stop and take a look around. it does go so fast (but some days slow!) but i need to embrace their ages (9,5,3) because they will be in college before i know it!

  6. happy, happy birthday to your baby girl! i can’t believe how fast time flies — where is the pause button?

  7. This post resonated with me, especially since my daughter is turning five in five days. I want to preserve her innocence forever, but know this is not how life works itself out.

    Happy Birthday to your six year old!

  8. Happy birthday, Hannah! And happy anniversary of becoming a mom to you, sweet Becca. I hope both of you enjoy your best year yet in 2011. xo

  9. I promise you, she will always need those hugs. ALWAYS. She might not need as many of them, but when she comes to you she’ll need you to wrap your whole soul around her. I know this for certain.
    xo

    Happy Birthday Hannah!

  10. Wow, Hannah is so beautiful and does she ever look like her mama!
    My daughter just turned six last month and I relate to your post so much. But you’re right – she WILL always be your baby, and she’ll definitely always need those hugs. Your love for her shines through in every post and I love reading all about the drama, smiles and tears that you share. Happy (belated) Birthday, Hannah!

  11. The birthdays become more poignant and the feelings more intense as the years pass, but sitting with your kiddo pressed against you like that — with only you able to soothe them — is timeless. No matter how hard it gets or how old they grow, they’ll always need us as the safe place to fall.

    Happy birthday to your beautiful girl!

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